I’m still awake thinking…

The cats have already gone to sleep next to me but I’m still awake. I’m tired but I can’t settle. I miss the life I had many years ago before I came back here under duress. I always used to go to karaoke regularly and at least volunteer doing stuff on and off. I never managed to be employed then because no one would really give someone a job who they knew lived at a local care home for people with autism etc. I’ve always had legalities on my name on record due to being sectioned by a court when I was younger. I also now have the other stuff on my name which happened so my list of why I should never be trusted in actual employment gets longer. The process of coming off of benefits is too risky to not be successful. I can only do up to 16 hours and earn a certain amount before it affects what I get and soon when they change it over to universal credit that system is much worse. Then there are these zero-hour contracts that you really have to be careful because places use these things so that they don’t have to pay people if they do under a certain number of hours. I have had enough hassle from the DWP last week when I got ordered to send all my student finance statements in to prove I hadn’t had a maintenance grant paid to me. Literally… once you’re in that system it’s hard to ever change your circumstances. People who have a job are using food banks. I can at least be sure that on what I am getting on the benefits system I can actually afford fuel and bills. I just get bored and feel stuck now compared to what I was doing in my twenties before I moved back here a decade ago. I am just existing now and walking a lot to escape reality (and lose weight – 7th September I was around 77kg, 26th October I was around 74kg and now as of 14th November I am around 71kg = 66 days: 15 lbs. lost).

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