I decided to ditch my car and continue to walk for a bit. I’m restless ok. I hate this life and it’s destroying me. The loneliness is killing me slowly. I have never felt this lonely in my life. It must be an age thing. I’m tired and I wish people would just listen but I’m a stranger to most people so it makes no difference. I try not to be oversensitive, but I’ve had a lot of prejudice to me and racism when I was going to college in Leicester and online. Apparently, those of colour have their kids ripped from them and end up in prison because of the stuff that goes on in the world. That maybe so but regardless of background etc it doesn’t mean that those things are right. As per my last blog entry, things are done this way because it’s always been done a certain way. It’s time that we stopped being sheep and went ahead and challenged what has always been done.
Bad luck is still following me. Today not only my handbag broke (it was on its way out, new one will be here this week), the shopping bag went because I had to put the broken bag inside the other so I could carry it back to the car.
I don’t think I can do life much longer. I’m not even depressed. I just can’t deal with the emotional pain any longer. I no longer have dreams of what I have endured in the system but the world around me still reminds me. Everywhere I go there are reminders that I have nothing. That is absolutely no one else’s fault. I said that I would never be envious of the lives of others, but I literally go home to nothing and if I had moved on to something it would be at least easier. I didn’t because I wasn’t in the right place to start again and go on to new things. I can’t do another Christmas in this pain. I need to get the guts to end my own life because living in this emotional pain is worse.