I know why I’m so tearful now.

I just checked my phone and apparently, I only had 4 hours sleep today (didn’t sleep last night). That explains why I am tired and tearful. I’m still wound up and restless but the other part of it is explained with lack of sleep. I got home to have a bath after a walk. I’m going to have dinner and go to bed early. I also bought a bottle of wine too which I was so in the mood to drink all of but I don’t fancy a massive hang over with my head down the toilet tomorrow. The last time I downed a bottle of wine in my 20s I ended up passed out on the floor with sick surrounding me in a toilet. That is the reason why I can’t drink rose wine. The smell makes me feel sick before I even touch the actual drink. I really shouldn’t slip back into addiction tendencies just because I’m hurting but it blocks it out for a while, and I literally don’t care for however long it takes to wear off. I’ve worked hard and came out the other end (ok I drink weak stuff at weekends but that is a huge step down from at one point drinking alcopops every single day). I remember when I had my son. It was so much what I wanted despite the fact that the circumstances made me fail. It is soul destroying when I’m tired and have been putting so much effort into things which is why I ended up in tears. It’s like no one notices anything that I do. I know that everyone is busy with their own lives but right now I’m pushing myself to the absolute limits. So please don’t write me off. I know it’s going to be challenging to break free from things that have happened in my past, my record etc. It’s too mentally painful not to change my circumstances so I have to do something. I need freedom from all that for my own sanity. I don’t personally know anyone who has got themselves out of the particular circumstances that I ended up in but it’s too painful for me to emotionally not try to change it.

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