I try to tell my mind not to overthink stuff but it still does :(

I am still affected by what happened with A and others in my past. I’m actually embarrassed about being open with someone I’m literally going to be seeing tomorrow. I’m scared that because I was open and gave them the blog link, they will want nothing more to do with me. I’m so used to being pushed away growing up that I expect it. I don’t want to manifest that. That’s not what I want. I want to be accepted not rejected. I can’t hide who I am from the world even if it’s weird to others. I should keep myself to myself when I have stuff on my mind. I’m not happy. I’m fed up with certain parts of my life, but I can’t change it. I can walk away from certain things but it’s difficult. I would walk if I had something else. I haven’t so I have to not go. I haven’t really got a stand-alone life; it’s mashed up in what I need to walk away from for my own sanity.