I managed to get out eventually.

I slept for a few hours and now I’m up again. I did post the things I got ready in the main post box in town but took a photo of me posting it as proof just in case they accuse me of not doing it. I went for a walk. It probably won’t be a long one but at least I got out of the flat today which is more than I felt like doing earlier. I couldn’t do that before I came off of antidepressants completely. I’m not sure if switching between up and down is an indication of some other mental illness but regardless I won’t do medication ever again. I only take painkillers when I absolutely need to… the pain has to be really bad and affect what I’m trying to do. I know what I’m like if I get into that pattern that I fell into during my twenties and early thirties. Once you’ve accepted the inner pain that gave you that habit you can gain some kind of control. I keep myself busy so that I also don’t drink too much alcohol either. If I’m out doing things then I’m not sat at home making my way through the little bottles of wkd. I had to accept that I was probably meant to be alone. That my abilities are limited regardless whether that suits me or not. I dropped out of open uni because it got too hard rather than getting a friend to do my TMA’s for me so that I got marks (they really need to crack down on that) I didn’t really deserve. Morally I have never felt able to ‘cheat my way up’. It works for a lot of people though. I have seen so many dishonest people be allowed to keep their kids and get jobs after cheating in exams. I don’t feel right doing that because I would know and it would bug me. Once you’ve gone there and done it you can never be honest or you’ll probably get sacked and your qualification would get taken back. It’s best if you just work with what you’ve got and not have hopes / dreams. No expectations in anything so that nothing can disappoint you etc.

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