I’m somehow still awake at gone 4 am.

I don’t know how I’m still awake because I’m very tired. I can’t believe it’s only Wednesday… it feels like it should be at least Thursday. The week has already felt long. I’m about to start monthly so quite restless anyway. It is always on exactly the same date every month so if I was to go ahead and have another child it would be easy to work out dates of when I could get pregnant. On that subject. I need to leave the social media groups that I have been in for many years. The things I’m reading are taking away my hope when I see that other people are having children taken for adoption after losing their first that way. If I did go ahead with it then I don’t want to read those things during being pregnant because it will make me petrified that the system will walk in and take another one of my children. I can’t go through that process with that focus because it might just happen. I don’t want it to but if something gets stuck in my head it might accidentally manifest stuff I don’t want to happen. I do care about what has happened to myself and others but I cannot stay linked because my life isn’t how it used to be. There’s nothing I can actually do in those groups anymore. I want to be set free from my past completely and that is just not going to happen if I don’t leave those groups and stop reading about what has happened to others. I’ve worked hard to fully get off of medication etc and if I don’t walk away from certain things then all that effort is for nothing. I can’t read those things in the fb groups because it takes away my hope. I can’t let go of that hope because that is all that drives me to do life every day without the past things haunting me. I don’t want to live my life in fear of the system any longer. I just want to move on, I don’t even care about closure anymore because I hate feeling stuck. There are some things that will never make sense and always bug me. I will never have the answers as to why certain things panned out as they did. I held onto those things for years. I don’t know if it’s just me getting older but I’ve let go of it all quite suddenly. Maybe time healed it or I completely changed as a person. Either way, it’s no longer such an issue as it was previously to me. That goes for multiple things in my past.

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