Some days are worse than others.

Most of the time I can pretend to be happy and act normal but occasionally it is difficult to do so. Tonight is one of those times. I don’t think that it is ever possible to completely get over having a baby ripped away from you for adoption. Time does make it easier not to think about it and keep busy but that only works for so long. The rest of the time it isn’t so easy. I have different worries now that he would be ten years old. He will begin to understand things more and could even come across this blog some day. I don’t want him to understand how he came to be adopted because emotionally that destroyed me. I don’t want him to be emotionally scarred by it. As a mother who has had a baby (last saw him at 14 months old) forcibly taken away for adoption, via court order due to them using my disability against me, that damage will never be healed. They ripped a part of me away when they severed our connection. I may still be functioning every day but I’m not really living … it’s merely existing. I’m not as broken mentally but when I think about it I’m still torn apart because that grief never disappears even after an entire decade. He isn’t dead but somehow that makes it worse. I missed his life stuff because he was given to someone else. I won’t see him again if he doesn’t wish to find me. Even if he comes back as an adult I’ve still missed most of his life. I don’t even think I will be alive much past 40. I’ve always thought that intuitively. I keep getting late 30s in my head so it won’t be long now. I don’t think I will even get to 40. I’m not even suicidal, it seems like fate will step in. Freak accidents happen every day etc and cannot be avoided. We only get what is meant to be. I believe that our death dates are predetermined because I’ve dreamt stuff hinting that some people were about to pass away (one being my dad) a few months before it occurred. I’m tired. I am just existing rather than living. The cats are getting older so they won’t be around. I actually don’t care whether it’s the end for me in a few years. I hate waking up to live yet another day every single day anyway. Nothing gets better. I have to deal with the exact same crap so I have nothing to look forward to anyway.