I was thinking today would be a nightmare because I couldn’t do anything with my finger being the way it is. I rang up the GP surgery to ask about x ray results and they told me to ring back Friday. I had to take a painkiller because it just got too bad. I barely slept last night so wasn’t even wanting to get up today. There is no point in telling me that it looks like I haven’t done anything around the house for weeks because I literally haven’t been able to do it with my finger swelling up. I’m already thinking about my bed because I’m tired. I didn’t sleep until 7am. I woke up at 11am.
I am barely able to do anything. I end up with a very sore finger every time I try to do stuff. The x ray results still aren’t back and I can’t be like this any longer.
I have done another bit of editing on the blog. I’ve got through the entries dated from October 2022 until now. I know that doesn’t sound much but I’ve been categorising and putting tags after skimming through each posts content. That combined takes time if you want to do a professional editing job rather than a slap dash amateur attempt which will have to be redone if the blog layout is changed etc. I would rather do permanent edits that save me further hassle in the future than simply patching up attempts. I don’t know how long it’s going to take me but doing a month a day gets a bulk of it out the day each week. Anyway, I’m off to try to get some sleep because I have taken my CBD stuff and can feel myself about to drop off. I still hate the fact that I feel sick every time I take it. There are always unwanted side effects with anything that could make life better. I’m already not feeling so anxious but it’s early days.
I’m aware that I react to things rather randomly and not at all like the average person. I have just started to take these CBD things over the last few days. I know that they don’t suit everyone but has anyone else felt aggressive on them? I’ve felt quite agitated at times but then really chilled out other times. I literally felt like I was stoned for a while yesterday. The stuff that have bought doesn’t have the THC element in it. I was trying it to see if it helped with my anxiety.
I could actually be lucky despite what I’ve been through. I have literally pulled stuff off that others haven’t managed to do. I got out of prison quicker than most and actually got that taken off my record so I looked less bad due to being released on appeal. I met the right probation officer when I was released who got me off the community pay back hours after I told him I just couldn’t do it because of my mental health issues at that time. Imagine if I actually went out there instead of staying in a lot. If I actually made an effort on the blog (sorry until I looked I had no idea how badly don’t it was until I logged into everything on my laptop) then it would actually be somewhat popular. When I think back to when things have always gone wrong for me it was always due to someone else sabotaging me or my work. I then learned to think badly of myself because that is what those that decided they didn’t like me wanted me to do. That is what those who see promise in others do. They try to destroy their confidence because they know they given the opportunity from someone success will come to you rather than them. That kind of backfired on some people. The labels they helped me be given growing up means that I don’t have to actually work to survive. In their eyes I get free money (despite the stress the DWP give us to claim disability benefits). I don’t have the responsibility of having to bring my son into work but he could turn around and tell his adoptive family he wants to go off with me when he is an adult and there is nothing they can do to stop him. I’m still free regardless of others attempts to screw up my life in the past. That means I naturally have the luck that they tried to deny me. Those things that were put on my name doesn’t stop me for my entire life. If someone gives me a chance then none of those things matter. I have already proven that I’m not like I used to be. Some of those things I found in notes when I decided to dig everything up were never the truth anyway. Those things were based on assumptions of autism, a condition that no one knew much about when I was growing up. I was told I had to be normal growing up, we had no choice and it was even more so when you were born into an older family like me. I now see that all my past happened for a reason due to all the pieces randomly coming together in different ways now.