There are many times a week that I feel I’d rather be dead because I’m that emotionally tired. I get on with things but never truly will get over the things that have happened to me. I don’t turn to anyone else nowadays because I learnt that no one cares about anyone else but themselves. I don’t want to get any trouble from anyone ever again. I’m not even suicidal… I’m just tired and would rather not be here anymore. It’s too much effort. I just want to go home because being alive is just depressing.
I had to go out to have my eyebrows waxed. I walked around Hinckley for a while but not far because if I do that again for another consecutive day my legs are going to hurt a lot. I did 12,000 steps which is like a short walk for me. I need a rest tonight. I’ve managed to lose another lb this week. That seems not a lot for how much effort I’ve put in. Sometimes the weight doesn’t drop off straight away and I’m always bloated at this time of the month anyway. I was 73.3 kg (161 lbs / 11 stone 5) when I stood on the scale first thing today.
Due to other peoples business I can only skim over with very few details as I think there may be safety reasons involved. I don’t want to put my neighbour in danger but I need to make a point alongside this conversation I had earlier. As I have previously discussed on here in regard to being on the council list when I was told that my landlord was selling (not sure what is happening because it was apparently on the cards and hasn’t actually happened yet). I was told that I would not be a priority until I got a section 28 eviction document. Even then they couldn’t promise me a property having received notice of eviction. Then there are people who get moved into council properties easily under domestic violence reasons etc. In genuine cases those sorts of people do need to moved for their own protection. However, this system is also breeding a culture of potential lies about people in order to be guaranteed a place under those kinds of schemes. That is dangerous because the wrong type of personality will crush someone else to get where they want to be. The government of this country (UK) has set the legislations to get people hating on each other in general. I urge you not to fall for it because they’ve done it on purpose. If we go against each other those in power are going to sneak in and do exactly what they want. Things are going to get much worse than they already are due to being an undercurrent of division here. We won’t see things coming because we are too involved in battling each other. The enemy is not each other. It’s those in higher positions who make the laws etc that are and always have played us off against each other. I see dangerous things playing out around us because of how I naturally think and believe that certain things are going to get abused etc.
I did 30,000 ish steps on my walk yesterday and 32,000 ish steps today. It wasn’t supposed to be that long today but I had to take a detour back into town trying to find somewhere. I now feel extremely stiff and my calf muscle hurts. I probably have lots of blisters on my feet too because they feel sore. I do have a car but it was a nice day so I walked to the next town to get what I needed from one of the cheaper supermarkets. It really isn’t as far as it seems. I can get from my home at the edge of one town to the centre of the other in just 8,000 ish steps. I wouldn’t recommend it if you’re not used to walking miles. It’s something you need to work up to otherwise you probably won’t be able to walk that distance. I measured myself today. I still have 40 inch hips but my waist has gone down to 31 and my bust is 38. I am kind of bloated at the moment due to monthly being due next week. That slows the weight loss process. Once my weight goes down more those measurements should also go down. It’s pinged back up again but sometimes it does that when it’s about to go down.
As it is a nice day and really quite warm for an October day. I got a few bits that I needed, cancelled my gym membership because the injury on my finger is just not getting better so I can’t use it. I hate going in and cancelling those things because they try to get people to stay. I would if I could physically pick up weights etc. I can only walk and that is only if I strap my knee up sometimes. I went to the place that my ex probation officer inhabits on a Monday and Friday but there was no one around and there is no way of just walking into that building any more. The venue is supposed to be open but for some reason it isn’t. They shouldn’t be closed for lunch that late. He said I could go see him with any system enquiries even after that probation period ended. I met him in the street last time and he told me when he was over here. I’m getting ready to chase up the 117-section aftercare discharge thing next week because the Leicestershire partnership trust hasn’t got back to the assigned social worker or her manager. These kinds of people deal with these things as part of their job so it would have been handy to catch him today. I spoke to him months ago so they may have been moved to a different venue due to probation services being changed from their private to public ownership again.