A friendly warning before I have to ‘protect myself’.

It seems that I have probably fallen into the malicious vicious attacks that people get online. I did warn that if others started that bullshit with me they would get completely finished off once I find out who did it. The same goes for anyone who creates deep fake porn with my face on it. I will literally trace anything I can get hold of and hunt the perpetrators down. They will regret ever choosing me to f with. I can store up my BPD side and unleash it when needed. I’m in full flow here as I have just sorted mothers electricity company out regarding the stupid amount of direct debit amount they wanted to put up. We won because they agreed to put it back down. Let me just give a huge hint of what I’m on about… I got a letter from the DWP saying that I have a compliance phone interview in November. I am angry (the tone of this is obvious). I don’t earn any money from the things I do. I blog to change the system and because I’m a writer. I never got paid for anything that I have done. I do it for moral and nothing related to monetary gain. The fact that someone has done this to me is a complete personal insult. The whole of my nonpaid stuff is done purely to help others and stop those going through the same crap at the hands of the system. I can only guess that someone knew it was my birthday coming up and stole those personal details to do this stunt on me. I am not like those that lurk around the internet on TikTok etc trying to make money. I come with pure intentions that most of you would never be able to do because as I use the fact that I have a mind of a child in some ways. I have actually put the money that I get from the government into promoting things that need to be put out there to change the system. I only became the central kind of base for these campaigns because apparently, I have what it takes now that I have learnt to talk to people verbally. Somehow people think I have a face that needs to be seen… don’t know why. I have got to the stage where regardless of what kind of autistic related functioning I have on a set day I can snap into the talking to people mode if needs be (it leaves me exhausted but I can do it). This bullshit doesn’t happen again ok otherwise you will see the other side of me that got me labelled a criminal as a teenager. Ask anyone who has ever pushed me… the move will be a mistake.

Morning is unpleasant after insomnia.

Mister (cat) is also not keen on being awake today. I can’t have a lie in because my mother is coming over to help me clean my flat. It isn’t great at the moment because my finger has repeatedly swollen up when trying up use it. I’ve tried to do things, but it isn’t easy. Insomnia kicked in with vengeance last night (think its hormone related as I have the cold sore thing that comes up on my face just before my monthly, due on next week). I’m literally scared to meet people now. Literally don’t want to be judged on any aspect of who I am. That was something that happened in the past. I am open on here which sometimes gets judgmental reactions from others. I live in a small area so I’m used to it but that doesn’t make it any easier. I can’t be a normal average person because I’m not that. I can only show off bits of who I am for Halloween because most stuff I can do doesn’t happen on demand. I can read tarot cards, show off my haunted doll (supposedly, she hasn’t made herself known yet, but I got her off eBay), I have smudge sticks and a crystal ball (haven’t learnt to read using that yet because I don’t particularly need tools). Then there are things I can’t show that have happened to me quite a lot. For example: I’ve met several people I knew that I was going to meet before I actually met them. I literally must have seen them in my head in dreams or something before I met them. I get most of my information from dreams in general which is not something I can really show off.

Late night thoughts … weight loss going well.

Firstly, this isn’t going to be a very long post because I didn’t get in until late. I went for a long walk while I was over near the hairdressers and my mums etc. I have managed to lose nearly 9 lbs in 6 weeks. It’s been hard work, but I won’t get back down to what I used to be unless I make the effort. I still drink alcohol at weekends and treat myself so I’m not completely living a miserable life. That is the best way to do it. If you cut everything out, then as soon as you start introducing those things back the weight lost can rapidly return and you may gain more than previously. The whole cutting out carbs, alcohol, sugary stuff completely is not a sustainable way to stop the process of regaining all the weight you’ve made an effort to lose. There are people who chose not to eat carbs because they do make you look thicker in figure but I like pasta etc so I definitely am not going there.

I have met so many people that have been awful toward me. I was thinking earlier that I will probably not trust anyone again or even believe that anyone has any good intentions because of my experiences. I would love to be able to relax when it comes to others, but I just can’t trust them. I probably will never meet someone who is truly loves me … I am not lovable. I naturally annoy people. I don’t even like people after what has happened to me (read about me page, way too much to glide over). I want to go back out there but at the same time I don’t. I have to go back out so that I’m not stuck any longer.