I waited long enough to know that it’s not going to happen.

I know that sometimes people wait decades for things they want to happen. I’ve waited 8 years ish now (specifics don’t particularly matter at this point) for A to come around and do the right thing for my benefit. She simply won’t and if that was ever going to change then it would have by now. I’m not going to be able to make things right because she is never going to come to me, get rid of order and be on ok terms with me. I don’t know how to change how she thinks about stuff that happened. I don’t know how to show that I’m not the same person and deserve a chance. It is destroying me to continue to hold on knowing it’s most likely not going to happen. I’ve had to carry a certain amount of hope but a little hope turns into longing and that in turn keeps me awake at night. I long for things not to seem unfinished. The line that was drawn under the situation wasn’t really a line but a scribbled out mess. In my head it remained a mess because I can’t remember a lot of what happened due to my head being a mess at the time. It’s stressful to hold onto it. I long to be free from the situation because it’s weighing me down and I can’t take other chances in life or trust others after A’s actions toward me. I don’t even know if that side could be repaired even if A made it right with me. I have had my trust broken many times alongside what happened with A. That has left me firmly not trusting anyone. I want to believe that humans are good again but I just can’t do that.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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