I waited long enough to know that it’s not going to happen.

I know that sometimes people wait decades for things they want to happen. I’ve waited 8 years ish now (specifics don’t particularly matter at this point) for A to come around and do the right thing for my benefit. She simply won’t and if that was ever going to change then it would have by now. I’m not going to be able to make things right because she is never going to come to me, get rid of order and be on ok terms with me. I don’t know how to change how she thinks about stuff that happened. I don’t know how to show that I’m not the same person and deserve a chance. It is destroying me to continue to hold on knowing it’s most likely not going to happen. I’ve had to carry a certain amount of hope but a little hope turns into longing and that in turn keeps me awake at night. I long for things not to seem unfinished. The line that was drawn under the situation wasn’t really a line but a scribbled out mess. In my head it remained a mess because I can’t remember a lot of what happened due to my head being a mess at the time. It’s stressful to hold onto it. I long to be free from the situation because it’s weighing me down and I can’t take other chances in life or trust others after A’s actions toward me. I don’t even know if that side could be repaired even if A made it right with me. I have had my trust broken many times alongside what happened with A. That has left me firmly not trusting anyone. I want to believe that humans are good again but I just can’t do that.

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