Trying not to be paranoid.

I’m trying not to do the whole over thinking thing. However, I’m someone who thinks of every possibility based on what I’ve heard, seen, experienced etc. What if A is still saying the narrative about me being her stalker somewhere online and offline that I cannot see. She isn’t going to do that on profiles I know about. I would prefer it if someone informed me of details if that has gone on behind my back or still is going on. If it was you who was autistic, and someone was saying this narrative about you then I’m sure that you’d rather know the gossip that has been plastered behind my back. I’m psychic so I don’t know if what I’m picking up is true or my anxieties. I don’t want that crap while I’m trying to rebuild my life outside the system when I finally tie up the legalities.

Had a rest today.

Due to the weather being so awful I decided that today would be rest day. I slept in extremely late. I had some really weird dreams … but dieting does that kind of thing. It was one of those sorts of dreams that actually feel real. It wasn’t a good one so I’m glad that it wasn’t reality. I still get dreams created by the trauma of things I’ve been through. That definitely was related to it, but I don’t want to go into details here. It’s still raining out there… literally it’s been here all day. I’ve woken up a few times and it’s been raining every time. I had the best intentions to get up and do stuff around here but couldn’t sleep again last night so had to catch up today. I’m still not quite awake yet.

I waited long enough to know that it’s not going to happen.

I know that sometimes people wait decades for things they want to happen. I’ve waited 8 years ish now (specifics don’t particularly matter at this point) for A to come around and do the right thing for my benefit. She simply won’t and if that was ever going to change then it would have by now. I’m not going to be able to make things right because she is never going to come to me, get rid of order and be on ok terms with me. I don’t know how to change how she thinks about stuff that happened. I don’t know how to show that I’m not the same person and deserve a chance. It is destroying me to continue to hold on knowing it’s most likely not going to happen. I’ve had to carry a certain amount of hope but a little hope turns into longing and that in turn keeps me awake at night. I long for things not to seem unfinished. The line that was drawn under the situation wasn’t really a line but a scribbled out mess. In my head it remained a mess because I can’t remember a lot of what happened due to my head being a mess at the time. It’s stressful to hold onto it. I long to be free from the situation because it’s weighing me down and I can’t take other chances in life or trust others after A’s actions toward me. I don’t even know if that side could be repaired even if A made it right with me. I have had my trust broken many times alongside what happened with A. That has left me firmly not trusting anyone. I want to believe that humans are good again but I just can’t do that.