Sorted. Today worked out better than I thought.

I only just got out to walk due to the awful weather today (which is going to be worse tomorrow). It’s supposed to rain again but I’m dressed prepared for that. It’s not supposed to be that heavy but sometimes the rain comes out of nowhere this time of year. Anyway, just a quick update. The referral for the specialist has been done by the doctor today. Apparently, it shouldn’t take a year, but they can’t give a specific time frame. The NHS has been told to sort out its long waiting lists so hopefully that means it will no longer be a year. I have lost weight again. I was 73.6 kg when I woke up. I did half my housework before coming out so it’s less work when I get home. Luckily, I still could get up later because the GP didn’t ring until half 4 this afternoon. I didn’t know that. I tried to use my intuitive gifts so that I could get a bit more sleep. Has anyone noticed that there are white seed things blowing around in the air where we live at the moment? They must be plants or something. They set my allergies off. I have a streaming nose on walks at the moment. Meanwhile I’m stuck with a swollen finger because the GP wouldn’t let me have an x ray and my knee is strapped up when I’m walking until it starts to properly behave itself. And I’m still heading toward 35 quicker than I’d like to … four days to go.

I can’t have this sleep pattern any longer!

I don’t get things done properly during the day because I don’t sleep at night. It is 6 am and I have not slept yet. The neighbours alarm has been going off since 5 am, they haven’t switched it off (even when they have it comes back on again soon after) so I have absolutely no chance of getting to sleep yet. I need to be up for GP phone appointment by the afternoon. That isn’t going to happen if I can’t get to sleep soon. I can’t cope with this sleep pattern any longer. It’s like being tortured. I can’t get rid of the cat fleas because I’m always not awake for half of the day. I put spot on stuff the vets gave me but Mimi moved so I couldn’t get all of it on her. They don’t like the treatment so it ends up going on their fur rather than the skin on their neck. I’m stressed because everything gets a mess when I have to sleep during the day. I can’t reset my pattern because it’s painful to stay awake when I’ve not slept. I literally feel sore it’s a sensory nightmare. I need sleeping tablets to knock me out for a few nights but the GP doesn’t prescribe them anymore and the resources to get them online aren’t safe, they add toxic chemicals to those medications.

I could never be myself in the system. Therefore, people didn’t know me well enough to judge me.

The thing that hurts the most is that people didn’t barely give me a chance before they decided I wasn’t worth knowing. I couldn’t be myself when I was ‘supported’ by the system. Those judgements that others made about me while I was in the system I’m hoping will be reconsidered now. I couldn’t show my full personality then because it’s a repressive environment and I am too much not a stereotype to be able to relax to be myself in that situation.