Long nap, now back to everything.

I made sure that I had extra sleep today so that I didn’t miss my doctors appointment tomorrow afternoon. I won’t be going on the live thing tonight because last night it was full of trolls they either kept talking sexual stuff to me or were horrible about my looks. I have a thick skin but can only take so much. I have heard so much in regard to insults growing up and living in a small town. I let half of it go when it is fueled by gossip and lies. I won’t stand for the nastiness on that app which has gone on recently. If you know you know I’m not going into it on here. I don’t want to become a target by going into details. If anyone picks on me I will retaliate enough to make you shut up. I use my BPD traits to do that kind of thing. I guarantee those same people saying stuff or doing whatever maliciously won’t come back for more. I’m a nice person but I absolutely hate nastiness, shit stirring, bullying. I know how to get it to stop and there is a reason why no one gets any more shit once I’ve gone to deal with stuff. You literally need to make the bullies too scared to open their mouths. There is a line you shouldn’t cross but with some individuals they only speak a certain language so the only way to stop them is to be somewhat brutal. I can’t physically fight but I will be targeted with words crafted to destroy someone. I found out I could do it by accident trying to make friends.

I have my finger strapped up and knee brace on to go for a walk today. I have to push on to lose weight. The whole 135 lb or under ideal is back which means at about 162 lbs I have to lose half my body weight at this point. That was hard to get to even when I was on the smaller side. I won’t get there if I don’t keep my injuries in check. Rest is simply not an option for me. I joined pride angel because I’m still considering having another baby. I’ve had lots of messages already. I only joined last night. I’m still very much thinking of options and I haven’t ruled out the hope that I meet someone who I can just go there with in the traditional way. If not though I need my options lined up as I get older. That option will be important if I happened to settle down with someone of the same sex because literally I don’t have the money for that whole fancy IVF manipulation stuff. I’m not bothered about how I do things at this point of my life as long as somehow I make it happen. I’m more hesitant this time because I know exactly what I am walking into. It was all new to me the first time around. Age results in wisdom but sometimes doesn’t win over desires and all that. I’m still stupid when it comes to love… that will never change. I am committed to weight loss that I sometimes don’t eat until the evening. I logically know that I’m more likely to lose weight eating regular meals because I’ve tried it but without food your brain doesn’t do logic. It doesn’t matter how many meals you have really, just that you stay in a constant calorie deficit which changes as your weight goes down. That means regularly working it out every time the scale goes down because that ensures that calculations are on point enough that the scale doesn’t rapidly go back up. It sometimes does ping up due to monthly and just before it has a weight loss because your body fills with water in those two processes. I have only worked that out by weighing myself every single day for months. I’m not going to promote that in case there are readers with eating disorders. I’m not in that category. I am extremely competitive; I have to try to be the best and most powerful in life. I’m never going to be that in reality because I didn’t have the best start in life to obtain those positions. I was given this relentless drive by how others treated me when I was growing up. I do not rest until I’ve won or got to a specific very high level of goal. If I don’t get to those precise things, I’ve decided that I want … it gives me depression etc. Those things not happening literally destroys me.

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