I try to tell myself not to feel guilty for my part in what happened with A because of what she said about me to everyone online and it hurting me that this was her perception of me when all I wanted was to be loved. I had no malicious intention. I was reaching out to her. She has no idea how I was truly being treated in the background of the situation. Knowing the system the way that I do… they most likely lied to her as well as lying to me. If she knew the truth there is no way she would ever think of me like that. That would be if she was a decent person and to be honest I’m doubting that after what she turned around and referred to me as years ago. I’m not going to forget it. That cuts deeply after you’ve trusted someone. I realised last night that things really can’t stay this way. The whole thing alongside losing my son to adoption has literally stripped me down as a person. I may have superficially healed on the outside and in my functioning slightly in every day life but on a deeper emotional level I am permanently scarred until things change. I can’t change other people or make them do anything. That is what I need though. I can’t think of the last interactions and mentally feel ok. If those interactions were replaced by up to date more newer ones then that would help my mental scars from the situation a lot. I literally have no ability to see joy, hope or actually truly be happy in life now. That is not a choice. That is the damage stuff did to me. I may never be able to mentally allow myself to settle into any kind of relationship due to what happened. I can’t trust anyone. The system never helped me. I am more relaxed out of it. The scars left from my time being under it will never properly go away. I would hope that others like A can help mend those scars by being decent and forgiving toward me. I don’t hold out much hope for that because things that were said still go around my head years later hurting me all over again on a daily basis. I’m trying to show a brave front to the world most of the time but inside it really hurts as a dull lingering thing rather than with the previous rawness. That is still soul destroying on a daily basis. I know that I wasn’t the easiest to deal with but I never chose to have autism or BPD (which o know I have because it was suspected but diagnosis never happened due to me not letting the system do it). The only thing I ever wanted was for others to actually like me, care and genuinely give a shit. As someone who isn’t ‘normal’ I’m guessing that was too much to ever ask.
I keep being reminded that I’m 35 years old. The tv has been talking about the great storm (hurricane) of ‘87. Now it’s on about the music of ‘87. Weirdly, I have liked these songs for ages. I never realised a lot of them were released the year I was born. May I just remind everyone I’m not quite 35… still 34 for another week. And, just like a hurricane… I came first on the gym clubs walking challenge (see photo below). I was determined to win the challenge to prove to everyone that has ever looked down on me and judged me negatively. I am the most determined, committed person that they could have ever met. The autism, suspected BPD etc are a factor that I cannot help at times, but I am standing up and saying that I matter. If I have to unleash myself on the world to get what I want and need just like a hurricane, then I will do so. If I’m not given respect willingly, I’m prepared to demand it (in a nice way of course).