Why?

I know that I shouldn’t start thinking in the middle of the night because I don’t sleep well anyway. I ache from my mega long walk today. The knitting I was doing earlier also hurt my already injured finger. Firstly, I feel like I’ve been given a life but I’m wasting it. Others have passed away really early and others are dying who have everything which I don’t. Why is this so? They made the most of their life. They did stuff and had family etc. I don’t have that yet I’m still here? I’m existing as just a useless being using the resources up for those with more important roles in life. Then I start to wonder why I am in the part of the family that is broken rather than the other part. I have cousins on both sides that are family units. Dads side cousin has kids, is married and her parents are still alive. My dad passed away and my mum is on her own, my son was ripped away from me for adoption. It doesn’t seem fair. I never grew up in a broken family so I feel it must be my karma to end up in a broken unit. I could really have benefited from a close family but I never got one. They say life gives you what you need but in my case it hasn’t. Then I’ve got used to not needing anyone to the point where others see that in how I act etc. That’s not how I want to come across. I need love but when I begged for it I was treated so badly. That made me act like I don’t really need it. I do feel rather neglected though.