A rare occurrence is happening tomorrow.

I have just got back from my walk so I cannot do a video addressing all the issues in that TikTok that woman made about things I had been through technically invalidating mine and the experiences of others in the system. She riled me up so much I feel that I need to script a video on here. I am going to record it when I have day clothes on. I got soaked in a downpour of rain while I was walking home so had to get food cooked while in the bath. I haven’t eaten all day so I’m not in the position to do a video at the moment. It isn’t something I generally do as a blogger. I don’t like videos or speaking but if I’m going to go out there to speak up and change things … I have to get used to doing the whole speaking thing. In the past being shy and only communicating via written communication got me treated badly. I’m prepared to do the whoever shouts the loudest thing and talk anyone down who is invalidating mine and the experiences of others. I’m not going on a video to create an argument amongst different types of people. I do hope that everyone shares it because speaking on camera about what I have been through is a huge deal to me.

A lesson about the ‘pretty / attractive scale’ in females.

I’m sure that everyone has heard of ‘pretty privilege’. It is actually a real thing rather than nonattractive women making it up out of jealousy etc. There is a scale of attractiveness when it comes to being female. It is not there to be understood because the scale constantly changes due to fashion etc. I would just like to say that with age (being 35 in a few weeks) I have lost that attractive part that I had as a youngster. I see youngsters now as anywhere from about 18 to late 20’s. I did get a lot of jealousy when I was younger due to naturally having a figure that never gained weight, big eyes and a passable face. The female officer that ensured I was labelled a criminal for my autism traits was short, fat and would have been seen as ugly. I’m not saying that I didn’t deserve some of it, but you simply cannot say that those in authority don’t have their prejudices and use them in the line of their work. Anyone who probably met her would have seen that she was ugly in personality as well. Apparently, she told my mother who worked at the local shop at that time that she liked me… well, I would hate to see what she would do to a person she didn’t like when she was in that job. In relations to targets, yes, she would like me because she benefited from trying to get me labelled a criminal. Anyway, back to the point of this blog entry. Pretty girls will always get the likes and will always be somewhat popular. There is one girl on the walking app who has got lots of likes. I think she goes the gym a lot. She looks absolutely stunning. She is top of our clubs leader board and has the most likes out of everyone doing the challenge. I wish that I looked like that and even if I did train as much as she probably does injuries wouldn’t allow me and I can’t gain height that I just don’t have. I have got to the age where I no longer compete with other women because it just isn’t worth it. I can wear heals to look taller but that doesn’t make me not on the short side. It is important not to make yourself into something that you aren’t to be loved. Those girls who get lots of followers / likes on instagram etc are completely fake. The photos they put up are edited, yes even the girls that are somewhat stunningly perfect in real life. I don’t edit mine. That gets me less followers but I’m not about my physical looks. I’m primarily on there for the blog and posting those types of photos would take the focus of my writing etc. I do have it in me to be like those instagram models… give me a few months and a few stone lighter and I will be able to be that type. I just don’t see the point in it.

Invalidation of experiences happening again.

I will not allow invalidation of our experiences by anyone on social media or otherwise. Especially when it comes from other women. I will not be looked down on and invalidated by them. I am totally sure about what happened in my case and how I lost my son. This poster may know people who have mental health problems and forms of autism who have children, but everyone has a different situation. These people that they speak of most likely weren’t labelled a criminal for their autism issues and sectioned as a teenager. When they had a child, the system wasn’t against it from the very beginning offering them an abortion and then being victim of false reporting throughout their pregnancy. That is what I had to deal with in my life. I won’t have some jumped up posh woman who looks like a wannabe social worker (we don’t know if she actually was one or not) tell me that there’s more to everyone’s stories than the system just taking children. I included every single detail in my story on the about me page regardless of whether it made me look bad or not. There are parents hurting a lot because of losing their kids and videos like the one I saw on TikTok last night really don’t help them. There have been many parents that have committed suicide due to their kids being placed for adoption via court order. We also don’t know if this woman was an adopter. They do have quite warped one-sided views of the adoption system. It benefits them so they see it from a certain perspective. I am a victim of being sucked into a system as a youngster that then point blankly refused to let me go. I was used as a target when labelled a criminal (don’t believe in the crap where they deny the targets because back when I was first labelled there definitely were). Then once you’re labelled that is your life forever. Unless you somehow get rid of your autism or mental health issues (which isn’t a possibility if you’ve been traumatised by the system etc) you’re stuck in that situation. I got qualified myself to try to unravel myself out of the system and perhaps challenge the awful things that were written about me over the years. I’ve still got to get others to listen to me. If people look at me as not an equal person due to being autistic and having mental health issues then I’m still not going to get anywhere. I was middle working class growing up, due to what happened I got pushed to the level of druggies, alcoholics and benefit scroungers. Those that could have helped me decided to just go along with the system and I don’t have the money to pay some fancy lawyer to clear all the crap put on my name by the system.

Why?

I know that I shouldn’t start thinking in the middle of the night because I don’t sleep well anyway. I ache from my mega long walk today. The knitting I was doing earlier also hurt my already injured finger. Firstly, I feel like I’ve been given a life but I’m wasting it. Others have passed away really early and others are dying who have everything which I don’t. Why is this so? They made the most of their life. They did stuff and had family etc. I don’t have that yet I’m still here? I’m existing as just a useless being using the resources up for those with more important roles in life. Then I start to wonder why I am in the part of the family that is broken rather than the other part. I have cousins on both sides that are family units. Dads side cousin has kids, is married and her parents are still alive. My dad passed away and my mum is on her own, my son was ripped away from me for adoption. It doesn’t seem fair. I never grew up in a broken family so I feel it must be my karma to end up in a broken unit. I could really have benefited from a close family but I never got one. They say life gives you what you need but in my case it hasn’t. Then I’ve got used to not needing anyone to the point where others see that in how I act etc. That’s not how I want to come across. I need love but when I begged for it I was treated so badly. That made me act like I don’t really need it. I do feel rather neglected though.