Regular readers will know that I am somewhat open about my life on here. However, if I want certain things I cannot be open like I used to be. If A does decide to revoke the order at any point in the future I cannot say that on here. That would be sharing her decision which involves me but isn’t mine to share. That includes anything that happens between us. Or anything that does on between me and others. I may be able to make friends with certain people over time depending on things that happen but the jobs they do and the stigma is still as such that I cannot discuss details on a public blog. If I didn’t stick to these things then I would be taking the the piss and not being respectful to those that do not post their lives all over the internet. I really want A in my life in the future and everything sorted out. I have to show that I really want that by agreeing to keep it a secret and away from others so she will consider it.
I got soaked on the way home. I was literally just half an hour from getting home. It started tipping it down when I had just got passed Barwell town centre. The black cloud above burst with vengeance. I’m currently drying off and have put my socks on the radiator. I’ve paused my walk until it stops (weather forecast says it will be gone by 9pm). I will have my dinner, watch Corrie and then go back out because I would have popped the shop on the way back if the weather hadn’t decided to go completely washed out. I saw someone I used to know from college (staff member) and even if I had the guts to say hello after they blocked me on social media it would have meant I would have got wetter before I got home. I know that I need to not be shy and break the ice so that people can see I’m not a scary person. I am aware that you can be accused of anything in this modern world. However, I am actively trying to put the past to bed by making the future different. I have to live in the same town as some people who probably did just see me as the weird kid etc but it doesn’t have to stay this way. I don’t know if anyone stuck up for me behind closed doors. I was told that A stuck up for me at university but it still didn’t stop the fallout that happened there. I also can’t believe that is true because I saw her comments online about me. Those comments hurt me deeply. I am a person. I have feelings and it seems that people forgot that when making judgements about me. I don’t want hate. I never did. I can’t help that I was in a mess mentally due to trauma until recently. It affected my behaviour to the point where I simply don’t remember half the stuff that happened and definitely nothing of what I may have written to others. It was totally out of order to do what others did to me. I can’t trust people now. I feel like everyone is either going to backstab me or take things from me (opportunities and even future children). I haven’t gone back into education but I do have plans to request a meeting with the people from my former college and perhaps the university too claiming discrimination. I’m trying to wait until I have managed to get the council to take me off the section 117 aftercare thing. It cannot be done before because the clause means I’m technically not equal yet. I have more of a voice in a legal capacity once I’m off of certain things. It is on my list of tasks so it will benefit me if I smooth things over with individuals from my past. I also got waved at by someone I’m not sure who they were… literally his face looked familiar but I couldn’t place it. That is exactly what you get when you go out there living a half public life due to the blog etc. I probably looked confused because I was confused… I waved but I didn’t know who I was waving at … I looked around it was definitely me they were looking at. They had a little child in the car so it wasn’t that kind of thing. I don’t think that I knew them. Their face looked familiar but I’ve met a lot of people.
I am walking again but now I don’t feel under pressure because others have joined the challenge too. There wasn’t many on the list until yesterday. We are second on the leader board. I’m first on our clubs but now others have joined I am being rapidly caught up by other members getting points. The club in Barry seems to be in the lead so we literally need to get moving to overtake them into first place. I walk anyway. This victory isn’t really important to me personally. The prize is money toward a social thing at the club which I most likely won’t attend anyway despite walking the most points currently. Unless it’s karaoke or something it’s really not my thing. Gyms normally have sports related social activities so it probably won’t interest me anyway. I haven’t been karaoke for years. I can’t even remember how to sing so would sound awful anyway. I managed to get some housework done before I went out but it still looks like an utter tip. I thought my leg was going to give up yesterday but I increased my calories and now it no longer hurts. It’s not better yet and normally I don’t do mega long walks every single day. I’m loving how much weight this challenge has allowed me to drop. The weight has been stuck on me for ages and also my hormones have gone back to normal so for me it’s helped in other ways.
I no longer trust people but I still want to go out there to meet someone so that I can settle down. The issue is that I can’t now. Others that have screwed me over have made me unable to do that. I’m already at the age where I’m nearly ‘over the hill’ as far as the goal of meeting someone and settling down. Also, I just don’t like others enough. Whoever I meet will never be enough or exactly what I want so I won’t want to be with them. They will never compare to what I want. The person I want is unattainable. Let’s face it, by the time we get to 30 something all the best pickings of potential matches are already gone. Those of us that are still single at this age are either damaged, plain weird or has baggage from a previous relationship. The choice that is left is somewhat not pleasant. Those that were remotely any good in the relationship department have settled with someone already. I’m not a catch by any means and I apologise if anyone does end up with me. I don’t want to be on my own forever. It sucks to just have cats for company. They are ok but humans need other humans. Those people that hurt me by doing what they did to me because of their own issues have now passed those issues on to me. Now I’m overly cautious and I make any excuse as to why I don’t want to be with someone.