I want to let go but I’m fighting to hold on.

The whole situation with A is something I long to let go of… then at the same time I’m fighting to hold on just in case things can change in the future. I remain in the situation where I’m holding on to hope but it’s harming me. I can’t sleep because it keeps me awake. I can’t sleep tonight mostly because I’m in pain (normal monthly crap) but the other stuff wakes me up randomly. I swear that the stress of it still is giving me health problems. I can’t allow that to happen because I will still be suffering due to the situation. I don’t want to endure any more suffering in relation to what happened. I still have feelings for A but they are very small in comparison to how hurt I feel by how I got treated. Maybe she was just an awful evil person and I just refuse to see it because I cared and fell for her. It would be so much easier to see her that way because I would be able to let go. I wouldn’t want to be hell bent on holding into hope that probably will amount to nothing. I can’t stay in this position any longer. I don’t want to be affected in regard to sleep issues, lack of confidence and inability to enter into new relationships due to what happened (I can’t trust people after what she did). I have to let go of her to be able to move on. I don’t want to be stuck any longer where the situation left me. It’s been a long time and I can’t not be like the above until I let go. I can’t let go because my mind is stubborn. I still believe I was right and did not do anything wrong. I was innocent in my actions and feel that I was wrongly treated. I’m sick of living my life like this because of someone else.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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