I have been thinking about the fact that I represent under privileged people in the system on the blog etc. I don’t think that I can do that any longer. I grew up in a privileged background in comparison to a lot of others. I grew up in a two-parent family in my childhood, my dad passed away when I was 21 so I was grown up. I didn’t have parents that were drug or alcohol addicts. I wasn’t abused as a child but only as an adult. I was treated badly by school, but I don’t see that as abuse. I didn’t have all the latest named stuff at school, but I also didn’t live in poverty. I’ve never had to work to stay out of poverty because disability benefits were set up for me as a teenager and that luckily has carried on. I have been sectioned and in an adult care home, but I have never been homeless etc. I can’t relate to the things that people like A went through. That means I cannot be in that role via the blog talking about stuff I haven’t been through regardless of what is going on out there. Others are just going to look at me as an over privileged up herself woman who has no idea.
The whole situation with A is something I long to let go of… then at the same time I’m fighting to hold on just in case things can change in the future. I remain in the situation where I’m holding on to hope but it’s harming me. I can’t sleep because it keeps me awake. I can’t sleep tonight mostly because I’m in pain (normal monthly crap) but the other stuff wakes me up randomly. I swear that the stress of it still is giving me health problems. I can’t allow that to happen because I will still be suffering due to the situation. I don’t want to endure any more suffering in relation to what happened. I still have feelings for A but they are very small in comparison to how hurt I feel by how I got treated. Maybe she was just an awful evil person and I just refuse to see it because I cared and fell for her. It would be so much easier to see her that way because I would be able to let go. I wouldn’t want to be hell bent on holding into hope that probably will amount to nothing. I can’t stay in this position any longer. I don’t want to be affected in regard to sleep issues, lack of confidence and inability to enter into new relationships due to what happened (I can’t trust people after what she did). I have to let go of her to be able to move on. I don’t want to be stuck any longer where the situation left me. It’s been a long time and I can’t not be like the above until I let go. I can’t let go because my mind is stubborn. I still believe I was right and did not do anything wrong. I was innocent in my actions and feel that I was wrongly treated. I’m sick of living my life like this because of someone else.