I tried my best today.

I eventually got up today. I was tired but managed to get a large proportion of what needed doing in my flat before I had to go to out to a relatives for dinner. I am absolutely exhausted. I didn’t let myself sit down because I knew that nothing would actually get done if I did that. I got up, had a bath, stripped and vacuumed my bed, then put my bed covers back on, vacuumed the rest of the flat carpets, surfaces and sofa. The fact that there is less dust floating around will help my allergies. The cat needs to go back the vets this week because he has started getting vocal and peeing outside the litter tray again. He was ok until his medication finished. I don’t need the extra hassle. I wish they’d have given him antibiotics or something the first time we went as it’s a hassle getting him there with trying to push him in the carrier and PDSA being a half hour drive away. Mister normally meows all the way because he doesn’t like the car. He spends an hour in total travelling there and back. I am literally doing everything on very little sleep. I have bags under my eyes today. I can’t sleep a lot because of things in my head about life stuff that just continues to frustrate me. I want off of the section 117 aftercare clause. The process can take months to a year depending on how fast things are organised for meetings, reports, discharge dates etc. I haven’t heard from the social worker since the meeting. They were going to discuss things with their manager. I don’t think they want to make the decision to let me come off of it so I may have to fight hard for it. Then there is A and the order etc. I want that off too. The frustration of waiting for her knowing that she most likely will continue to ignore my views and keep the order on and we won’t get to put the past behind us really keeps me awake. I hope that what she did indirectly to my life (it doesn’t matter if she meant to or not) haunts her. I hope she feels as guilty as possible but that probably won’t happen because she would have made it right by now if she had feelings and was a decent person.

I should be happy about my achievements but I’m just not.

The certificate I got from the completion of my open university modules is something I should be happy about but I’m just not. I didn’t finish the whole degree due to my brain not being able to do it. That is the bit that is standing out to me at the moment. I’m so tired that I’m tearful. I live in a chaotic mess. I’m never going to get things sorted out from the past that I need. Others got told lies to make it seem like I was being unreasonable, so I got treated in a certain way (seems likely the case from what I’ve found out). I woke up with an achy knee and my finger swollen again. I don’t even care about getting my certificate because my life sucks. I live in messy grubby surroundings because I’m always too tired to do housework. The certificate doesn’t improve my life right now. The fact that I also didn’t finish the whole degree because I found it too hard also bugs me. I feel like the certificate is literally barely anything. I haven’t achieved anything positive in my life. It’s just been a long list of failures and dead ends.