Things aren’t as ok as I make out. It’s like a complete mess…

The reality of my life isn’t as good as I make out most of the time. The reality of being unable to work due to disability is going to get worse due to everything that is happening in government etc. I’m extremely uncomfortable when it comes to life in general. I didn’t use to look so shabby when I was younger. I need the enamel on my teeth put back into them but the procedure is approximately £400 a tooth. I have four that lost parts of the white colouring within the enamel. I caused this problem because during lockdown I stopped oil pulling my teeth with coconut oil. I used to clean them straight after I had Pepsi max on my walk before my evening bath. I oil pull now but it won’t reverse that damage.

I bought some cheaper clothes to have while I was trying to lose weight. The dark colours have ran in the washing machine so now my clothes with white on them look horrendous. I’m going to have to wear them because my outfits are limited until I’ve lost a bit more weight. I keep getting dark patches regardless of how carefully I try to cover all my hairs roots. I am losing my eyelashes so they look bad. I am just a complete mess nowadays. I hate putting on clothes because I feel like I’m going to discover I’m too fat for trousers due to hips trying to widen etc. I am fed up of my allergies kicking off. They literally give me headaches when I get a full head from my nose continually running.

I can’t go back to the gym yet because my finger and knee injury. My knee seems to be slowly going back to normal but my finger won’t heal properly. Insomnia is a bitch, although the last two nights I’ve actually managed to sleep for a few hours during the night. I can’t ever get a GP appointment properly. I had to wait two weeks to see a nurse about my toe swelling up last time and then a week to get an x ray, another few days after for results to come back. They followed up my abnormal result with blood tests which was noted as satisfactory but they never investigated any further once they had ruled out arthritis etc. There was obviously something that caused my toe bone to erode. They just ruled certain things out and even though some results of bloods were out of range they got put on the system as satisfactory. I repeatedly get anaemia even when my periods are actually being normal sometimes. The last one was on the heavy side at times but I didn’t have to take medication to control it. It’s better if I try not to do that as the lining will just built up more if you try to stunt it’s shedding on a previous month. I’m hoping that this makes it better this coming month. I walked a lot when I was on last month to help get rid of as much as possible so nothing lingers around for the next one. I probably won’t be able to do that much once the weather sets in like it is at the moment.

In regard to my finger injury, that now feels more like the pain is in my bone rather than the muscle. It’s gone back down in size of swelling so hopefully I haven’t been walking around for weeks with a broken finger. I still have weakness in that finger so it’s difficult to do stuff like normal. That is probably why I found patches of darker roots when I was sure I had covered my whole hair. It is like only having one hand due to the other not working properly. I don’t even want to get up at the moment because I’m struggling to function like that. I hate my surroundings but I am only able to fix them so much (example: jobs like litter tray and cleaning/tidying before my hand starts hurting. I was extremely tired earlier due to lack of sleep but made myself do the litter trays and clean the floor as well as a bit of ironing. I had a bath and changed into pj’s early so that I could just go to sleep when done. Alcohol helped because it numbed the pain in my finger. That was a weekend treat after this week felt like a long one.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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