I am exactly what it says on the title of the blog.

Diary of a painfully shy introvert is exactly what I grew up being and still am. I just learned that I had to be more talkative to get things sorted. I can’t stay quiet because nothing will ever change. People ignore written communication but they cannot ignore someone who is speaking the truth about what goes on in the system out there. I am still very shy and reserved. I cannot wait to get into my home and shut the world out most days. If I don’t speak up about what I want and / or need then I continue to get treated like my past. I was labelled the way I was because I was too quiet and no one truly knew me. Quiet people always get assumption type gossip spread around about them. They are simply an easy target to label and by talking physically when I’m out nowadays it puts a stop to that crap. People don’t care about the truth when it comes to having fun gossiping. It is never the narrative of what actually happened or the true intentions of anyone. They will literally ‘make it up’ to fill in the supposed gaps. I will not have anyone assassinating my character for merely a bit of fun ever again! I grew up in a small down and I’m not afraid to tell people to simple yet fucked either in words or actions. People who have abused their power in positions locally have now had their power revoked now I’ve grown up and stepped on the scene.

I don’t think people realise how my reality is not a choice and I’m not portraying it in a negative light.

I’m not portraying my life in a negative way. This is purely the reality of my life having a form of autism. I have tried to change my life but it’s never progressed in any way. The comments about how I see everything as negative is wrong. I am merely discussing the reality of being autistic. It does legitimately suck. I’ve been to get my education in an attempt to improve my life. I still haven’t progressed though. The effort never pays off because of the stigma around autism and mental health issues out there. Society actively works against me. Others refuse to give me what I need. That isn’t being negative. That is simply being blunt about it. I got to the point where I no longer try to go back into the education system or try anything new in life because the stuff I’ve been through has put me off. It is the only way for me to have a quiet life and not get treated awfully for my autism etc. People have tried to justify that treatment by trying to separate the term autism from the traits that I have. This hasn’t been helpful and has let ableism flourish around me. I have tried to change my life. Every single time I do I’m stopped by others. I was pushed out and when I didn’t go willingly or let go of what parts of society wanted me to do, they forced me. I ended up burnt out to the point my behaviour problems really kicked off which the system knew they were able to do if they pushed me enough. Imagine how it felt for me when I wanted to have a child. I was offered an abortion by adult services, I refused so they referred me to childrens services for ‘support’ which just resulted in me being pushed to fail and my son being forcibly adopted. The same goes for education system. I opened up to people because I was emotionally suffering after that and each time got asked to leave and then forced to leave when I refused just to take it. People have always done this to me when my behaviour problems have kicked off. I was just trying to communicate in my own way because I couldn’t do it like a normal person. I was punished for that regardless of the way others like to dress it up. I even don’t get support because my autism didn’t affect me in what was seen as the traditional way. I’m left to struggle barely functioning on a daily basis. I hate even waking up because I struggle to function that much. But no, keep telling me that I make out everything is negative. It’s reality and I also have to fight myself to still go out into the world for even every day stuff. I’ve had people attack me so much that at one point the manager of the charity that provided my support before they stopped it all together, had actual conversations that were had online where I was saying how unhappy I was with my support. I had my grounds. They literally used details from my past history to prevent me having a female worker. I wasn’t comfortable with a male one. It was making me emotionally worse and unsettled. I kept being told that it was the council giving instructions that I wasn’t allowed a female worker. That is the kind of cruelty I’ve had to put up with due to how my autism has affected me. I’m not saying the male support worker was awful but as a female having males enter your home is not a preference that makes you feel comfortable. They’ve gone way too over the top with health and safety nowadays. They think that everyone who is different in a way people aren’t used to is a potential danger. The care within the system has completely gone. It’s cold and no one who works in it really can emphasise with the clients.

Things aren’t as ok as I make out. It’s like a complete mess…

The reality of my life isn’t as good as I make out most of the time. The reality of being unable to work due to disability is going to get worse due to everything that is happening in government etc. I’m extremely uncomfortable when it comes to life in general. I didn’t use to look so shabby when I was younger. I need the enamel on my teeth put back into them but the procedure is approximately £400 a tooth. I have four that lost parts of the white colouring within the enamel. I caused this problem because during lockdown I stopped oil pulling my teeth with coconut oil. I used to clean them straight after I had Pepsi max on my walk before my evening bath. I oil pull now but it won’t reverse that damage.

I bought some cheaper clothes to have while I was trying to lose weight. The dark colours have ran in the washing machine so now my clothes with white on them look horrendous. I’m going to have to wear them because my outfits are limited until I’ve lost a bit more weight. I keep getting dark patches regardless of how carefully I try to cover all my hairs roots. I am losing my eyelashes so they look bad. I am just a complete mess nowadays. I hate putting on clothes because I feel like I’m going to discover I’m too fat for trousers due to hips trying to widen etc. I am fed up of my allergies kicking off. They literally give me headaches when I get a full head from my nose continually running.

I can’t go back to the gym yet because my finger and knee injury. My knee seems to be slowly going back to normal but my finger won’t heal properly. Insomnia is a bitch, although the last two nights I’ve actually managed to sleep for a few hours during the night. I can’t ever get a GP appointment properly. I had to wait two weeks to see a nurse about my toe swelling up last time and then a week to get an x ray, another few days after for results to come back. They followed up my abnormal result with blood tests which was noted as satisfactory but they never investigated any further once they had ruled out arthritis etc. There was obviously something that caused my toe bone to erode. They just ruled certain things out and even though some results of bloods were out of range they got put on the system as satisfactory. I repeatedly get anaemia even when my periods are actually being normal sometimes. The last one was on the heavy side at times but I didn’t have to take medication to control it. It’s better if I try not to do that as the lining will just built up more if you try to stunt it’s shedding on a previous month. I’m hoping that this makes it better this coming month. I walked a lot when I was on last month to help get rid of as much as possible so nothing lingers around for the next one. I probably won’t be able to do that much once the weather sets in like it is at the moment.

In regard to my finger injury, that now feels more like the pain is in my bone rather than the muscle. It’s gone back down in size of swelling so hopefully I haven’t been walking around for weeks with a broken finger. I still have weakness in that finger so it’s difficult to do stuff like normal. That is probably why I found patches of darker roots when I was sure I had covered my whole hair. It is like only having one hand due to the other not working properly. I don’t even want to get up at the moment because I’m struggling to function like that. I hate my surroundings but I am only able to fix them so much (example: jobs like litter tray and cleaning/tidying before my hand starts hurting. I was extremely tired earlier due to lack of sleep but made myself do the litter trays and clean the floor as well as a bit of ironing. I had a bath and changed into pj’s early so that I could just go to sleep when done. Alcohol helped because it numbed the pain in my finger. That was a weekend treat after this week felt like a long one.

The countdown to 35…

I have just realised it is 1st of October… 23 days until I turn 35 years old. I’m not even used to being over 30 yet. The whole thirties thing doesn’t feel real. I still feel like a child. In my head I’m still a child due to the trauma I’ve been through in my life. The cat is worse since we visited the vets. I’m hoping he is better tomorrow but not filled with confidence because I’ve read some of the recent reviews of the pdsa services and some were rather horrific leading to the deaths of pets. He has perked up a little since earlier. I have to try to keep him inside for a few days which will be challenging because he’s used to going in and out whenever he wants. He is already at the window watching the rain. I also have to put him on a diet to reduce his weight which will certainly not be welcomed by him. He eats anything he can get near including the food left on my plate when I’ve had my dinner. I would also just like to point out that I’m no longer angry at A. I will always feel hurt though. She makes out that she is the helping people type. I never saw that. She did the opposite when it came to me. As far as I’m concerned, she threw me under the bus when everything kicked off at university. She only ever choses to help others if she benefits from it. It’s all about her and if it wasn’t she would have made things right with me by now.