Burn out :(

I now feel bad for cancelling the meeting because my mother got angry with me on the phone. She had invited herself so she knew it was on. I didn’t cancel just because I’m lazy and want to sleep. I’m genuinely burnt out from this sleep pattern. I can’t do it anymore. I’m burnt out mentally, physically and emotionally. I’m getting physically ill so I can’t ignore it. I hate being awake every day because of how much effort it takes on the sleep I do actually manage to get. I get guilt tripped all the time asked why I’m not at least doing something career related in my life. I don’t have the energy to function properly so I can’t make plans. Then mum insists I go back to the GP in case I have anaemia again. I don’t have a physical issue. Burn out is a real thing. I may have a slight iron deficiency but it’s not causing this. I know that I may not do much now to get burn out but for many years I literally barely slept and kept going to finish off my education etc. I never stopped. I still do long walks after very little sleep sometimes. I just don’t want to be alive anymore. I’m not suicidal but the effort of being alive feels too much. I’ve been doing all that exercise in a calorie deficit and my weight still goes up a few pounds just when I’ve lost some. That shouldn’t happen. I’m in a constant calorie deficit and burn at least 500 to 700 calories most days walking. I’ve never had weight this stubbornly stick to me. I’m having to force it off of me. I had to have a break to lose weight initially which I ended up having due to knee injury. That is now niggling with aches sometimes but I can do normal exercise on it now. I’m taking vitamins to perk me up. It isn’t working much when my sleep is so messed up. I literally can’t sleep during the night at all at the moment. The sleep I manage to get during the day just is never enough.

%d bloggers like this: