I’m not sure that I actually want to have another baby.

I was thinking deeply about my future earlier. I even discussed with my friend (jonnys father) via messenger about getting me pregnant again. Then I started to doubt that I even want another child. I fear missing out rather than truly want to have one. I don’t think that I could do all the pregnancy and birth thing again. The first time was quite a bad experience. It’s put me off going there again. I like my life as it is now. I don’t want to be woken up by a child, wipe bums and basically be forever having to responsible for a mini version of me for 18 years at the least. I only started thinking about it because I fear that my age is going to be against me when I get to about 40 ish. I only have 5 years, 10 at the most if I am lucky. If I hadn’t gone through what happened with my son and his adoption then I wouldn’t be wanting to do it all again. I feel like I am missing out. I still don’t want to have another baby if I I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t really have my heart set on being a mother. I want to do it because I feel like life owes me a chance that I got denied the first time around. I’m still lost in life really so making that decision isn’t going to help. I don’t have a paid job. I look around at the world and don’t want to inflict certain things on a future generation. It’s a mess out there. It definitely won’t get any better because all it’s got is worse. I had one to replace me when I’m gone so I’ve technically done my part in reproducing. I didn’t get to bring him up and may not see him again but he exists. I was born to walk alone. Life has made that purpose perfectly clear. I don’t always like it but our paths are laid out. I fought what was meant to be for years. It ended up still meant to be and I ended up with a lot of trauma trying to change it. I don’t mind people coming to my home (as long as they don’t bring police to my door) but the door buzzer scares me so please don’t use it a lot. It’s best if people don’t just turn up and try to get around using door bell.

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