I’m not sure that I actually want to have another baby.

I was thinking deeply about my future earlier. I even discussed with my friend (jonnys father) via messenger about getting me pregnant again. Then I started to doubt that I even want another child. I fear missing out rather than truly want to have one. I don’t think that I could do all the pregnancy and birth thing again. The first time was quite a bad experience. It’s put me off going there again. I like my life as it is now. I don’t want to be woken up by a child, wipe bums and basically be forever having to responsible for a mini version of me for 18 years at the least. I only started thinking about it because I fear that my age is going to be against me when I get to about 40 ish. I only have 5 years, 10 at the most if I am lucky. If I hadn’t gone through what happened with my son and his adoption then I wouldn’t be wanting to do it all again. I feel like I am missing out. I still don’t want to have another baby if I I’m doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t really have my heart set on being a mother. I want to do it because I feel like life owes me a chance that I got denied the first time around. I’m still lost in life really so making that decision isn’t going to help. I don’t have a paid job. I look around at the world and don’t want to inflict certain things on a future generation. It’s a mess out there. It definitely won’t get any better because all it’s got is worse. I had one to replace me when I’m gone so I’ve technically done my part in reproducing. I didn’t get to bring him up and may not see him again but he exists. I was born to walk alone. Life has made that purpose perfectly clear. I don’t always like it but our paths are laid out. I fought what was meant to be for years. It ended up still meant to be and I ended up with a lot of trauma trying to change it. I don’t mind people coming to my home (as long as they don’t bring police to my door) but the door buzzer scares me so please don’t use it a lot. It’s best if people don’t just turn up and try to get around using door bell.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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