Cycles are hard to break.

I haven’t been awake long because that sleep pattern is so hard to break out of with that constantly on my mind (see previous blog entry). I have such a messy flat because if I’m going for a walk I have not much time when I get back to clean. That isn’t great for my allergies but I think I have a cold at the moment because my nose won’t stop running. In the grand scale of things I’m not as bothered by the opinions of others compared to what I used to be. I blocked a kind of ex. We were half a thing. He kept trying to tear a strip off me every single time we spoke lately. So a few months ago I decided that I had totally had it with his bullshit and pressed the block button. I put up with a hell of a lot. I was sick of him calling me a socialist for my views and trying to tell me that I was lazy because my life hadn’t worked out the way I planned it when we were in our early 20’s. And, if he dares to go around saying he has … with me then please ignore him because we definitely NEVER got to that point. He only got a chance due to being the most half decent boy where we were living at that time. I was so patient because I know he also has autism so I was reluctant to use the block button for a long time. I don’t like being called stuff for my views etc. Then when it came to S I was like f it I don’t like feeling like I’m being taken for granted so I forgot about what occurred at Christmas. It took me over a decade to put my sons adoption to the back of my mind. However, with A is is somewhat different. There are so many implications that have sprung out from that situation. I haven’t had support for my disability issues since that all blew up. I was left to fend for myself for the last 6 ish years. I’ve had stuff they said about me which hurt me going through my head for a very long time. The only way that I can erase the things that continue to haunt me is by getting the order taken off and having a new conversation where I’m hoping they tell me they feel differently now. Then I can finally sleep properly after many years. I need to hear those things and to be free from the order to heal fully.

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