I never wanted to be a ‘creator’.

I have woken up for a while so going to post next blog entry before I forget. This is going to be about accidentally becoming a creator when I never had that intention back in 2016. I started this blog in 2016. Previously I had ran a autism website but it had passed its best and didn’t really work any longer. The changes of times meant that blogs were now the new ‘thing’. Unless you wanted to be a vlogger on YouTube… now many are using the TikTok platform to do that. I don’t like talking on camera so blogging was my preferred medium. I didn’t really expect it to even get a few visitors, let alone hundreds which has become thousands recently. I’m probably most likely never going to be one of those influencer type creators. You literally have to juggle a lot of projects and always be out there to become that kind of thing. I didn’t start this blog to become a creator though. I wanted to teach the world that I wasn’t how I was portrayed and that I was worth knowing. I wanted to show beyond the autism and hopefully not lose as many people in my life. That hasn’t stopped happening. People still walk away when I’m comfortable and I go through that rejection all over again. I thought if I explained all the things relating to autism, BPD etc that would allow me to have a ‘normal’ life. People don’t walk away from things that they understand. I then realised the difficulty of accessing another persons perception of the world to be able to say to them how it is. That is an impossible task because unless I’ve experienced something it’s hard to relate and subsequently be able to put things in a way that others will understand. It’s like explaining human life to a cat. They have no concept of why our whole society would revolve around money and not ‘living for free’ as most cats probably feel like they do if they had the ability to think like a human. I keep getting deja vu again. It’s weird and I don’t like it because I end up of edge expecting nasty surprises. Anyway, back to topic. I still don’t have that life I wanted to open up by doing this blogging stuff. I don’t feel like people are really listening. Even those I hope will listen on a personal level when I say that I need things specifically and why. I’ve waited years for others to be fair when it comes to past situations but none of that has ever materialised. I try not to fully air certain situations out fully on here that have occurred. This is why I simple refer to others by initial only. I wanted to be settled down by the age of 35. I hate living on my own but I pretend to like it because so many others like living on their own. It was fine for many years but I have outgrown the liking to be alone thing. I accepted it for quite a while but now I don’t like it. It’s hard when I’m just too exhausted to do stuff, my sleep pattern is left to it’s own devices due to being left on my own. I would feel much better and more motivated to actually do life properly if I met someone and lived with them or at least someone popping in to get me out on a daily basis (friends only even because all that intimate stuff in relationships isn’t really important to me). I didn’t go outside today. That is no good for me despite the fact that I was still tired from migraine earlier in the week. I had to make/cook my own food which is hard when I barely have any energy to spare. I have hair that I am ashamed to leave my home with which I cannot re bleach it on roots and work it through the ginger ends until I have built up a surplus of energy to fix that issue. If I had another person whether it was a friend or more then they could do my hair when I can’t. I have some friends but not close because by my age most of them have had kids and busy with their own families. Those that decided not to do the whole family thing are off living it up on holidays when they aren’t working. I physically spend most of my time alone. I catch up with people via social media ever so often. That is where I work (don’t get paid for this creator stuff so working for free) so normally it’s in between blogging, making TikTok videos, sharing stuff online. I don’t feel like I’m progressing in the way that I thought running the blog would make me progress. That is frustrating because I used to enjoy blogging but more recently I’ve wanted a change to a new kind of job even if I still don’t get paid. I tried to write a book. I just couldn’t do it because I don’t have the concentration to sit there for hours and a story that has a thread long enough to become a book. I feel stuck in the pigeon hole of blogger who is completely alone in their every day life. I do network but it is entirely business related. I do not personally mingle with those I’m trying to entice to read the blog. I am vulnerable enough on the blog without opening myself up on a personal level too while networking.

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