This is why I need certain things.

I know that others may think I go on way too much about needing to fix things with A but I have many personal reasons why I need it. I know that I cannot force her to do anything. I do feel really down on myself after what happened. I wouldn’t have done that if the connection hadn’t felt like something to me. That is why it has upset me so much. I do feel like I’m walking evil. I have done for the last 8 years (I think it’s been that long since our paths crossed). I’m 35 next month and no longer want to feel so cut up over everything. I spent years getting over the anger that I felt in connection with it all. Even at the beginning to mid part of this year I still had that anger and there was absolutely no way I could have potentially had a conversation with her without that showing. I’m no longer angry and even letting go of the hurt I felt about feeling let down by her. I am at the point where I can talk it through and sort out the past. I know that she won’t be pushed but I feel like I’m waiting forever to the point where she may not even give me that ever. I have a 1% hope on that anyway. I have to run on hope in every aspect of life because otherwise I simply could not function to get through each day. I have to hold onto the hope that my son will find me when he is old enough. I have to hold onto the slim chance that I may have another child before I get too old. That is all I can do. I may wait a long time for A to come around so we can put the past to rest but that is sometimes all you can do when it’s not just in your hands. I need cooperation which I’m unlikely to get because I know she’s as stubborn and set in her ways as possible. She doesn’t want to see the bigger picture and how what happened continues to affect me. I am as stubborn as her because in my life I have had to be otherwise what I went through would have killed me. I had to survive my past and losing my son to adoption. Stubbornness is sometimes the only way to get through difficult times.

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