Long night again.

I probably also can’t sleep yet because I have been sleeping in until 3pm… but still, it is seemingly a long night every single night when you’re awake until gone 6am most nights. It took at least 4 hours or more for my hair to fully dry. One cat came in and then the other wanted to go out. She normally stays our until about 4am. Then she jumps up at the window and waits to be let in. Mister has worn himself out doing stuff outside and has come in to sprawl out on my bed. I have such messy hair now. This is why I didn’t want to wash it. The amount of taming I have to do so that I don’t look like I’ve been dragging through a hedge backwards is at least an hours work. I have lost count of how many people have commented that I have ‘a lot of hair’. I want it long but it can be hard work. It wouldn’t look great cropped short due to thickness. I don’t suit short hair either. I like my hair long but it’s two hours washing time (inc. deep conditioning or protein treatments). Then an hour to style out the frizz which is a common issue with thick hair. I have a lot of hair and thick strands so frizzy is the default setting of my hair. I feel tired but drank alcohol to stop my brain thinking so much. I haven’t stopped thinking and now I just feel sick. I also now can’t eat a lot for the next few days to rebalance the calorie intake. There are times when I do feel like a mess again. Mental illness doesn’t just go away, it comes and goes. I may do better nowadays but that doesn’t mean that my darkness over certain things have completely gone away. I do have to sort the past out between me and A and all things related to it before I properly sleep at night again. I can’t drink alcohol regularly to switch off the guilt. That doesn’t help to get my weight back down either. It’s a temporary fix which isn’t going to properly fix it. Guilt can only be blocked out by alcohol for a few hours before being sober brings the feeling back.

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