Idiots!

I feel an idiot for believing the idiots that A had died. Then I get told that being psychic I should know it wasn’t true. I have turned my gifts off when it comes to her. I had my own shit to deal with so I cut the connections that I had out there energetically. It was cruel to lead me to believe that. I was actually upset. People know that my dad died about the same age as A and that I’m afraid that she too will die around that age and time won’t allow us to fix things. It may never happen anyway because she’s the ‘until hell freezes over type of person’ and accused me of being something I wasn’t. I am trying to prove I’m a good person and not how I was labelled. That isn’t easy when lies get spread around. I still have to tell the university that I lied back when everything happened. That isn’t going to be easy but it’s the right thing to do. I had a long walk so I’m more chilled out than I could have been while typing this entry. I’m too tired to be fully upset over the stunt. I wouldn’t wish death on her despite what she may have said about me and what happened in the past. There may have been times when I did get very angry and say it before I let go of the anger part linked to the situation but that is a BPD reaction which is released eventually. It may have taken years but I have no anger there now. It was kind of my fault. I did so many things wrong that I wouldn’t do now I’ve grown up a bit. I didn’t know when to shut up and walk away before things came to a point of no return back then. That is why I need to tell the truth nearly a decade later. I have no emotions attached to the situation now so it’s easier.

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