I missed my chance again and now I’m just like screw it for everything.

I went for a walk as soon as I woke up because my weight has sneaked back up again. I’m just bigger than most people I read about and I’ve had enough. How are they under 70kg let alone 60 odd – 50 odd kg? How did I manage to be that a long time ago but can’t push my weight down to a certain point now? I wasn’t even skinny back then. I’m hovering around 76kg so I’m determined to push it back down. Then I heard that A had died so missed my chance to sort that out. I’m now in the frame of mind that is like whatever, my flat is a mess regardless of how much I tidy and clean. Really… what is the point in anything? It only ends up a complete mess etc. I may be a little sad too but I will never admit that after what has happened. I don’t do feelings when it’s appropriate. You’ll never see me cry in public and you’re not allowed behind closed doors. There are only planned videos on TikTok. I told you… I keep a private life due to the things that have happened in my past. I think we have rather been desensitised against the whole concept of death this week anyway with the queen of England passing away, everything going a little bit bizarre/surreal with crowds queuing for miles in London.