I do have many regrets…

I am still awake despite going for the mega long walk. Insomnia strikes again so I may as well post tomorrow’s entry early. I have so many regrets so I’m going to list them. The first is not graduating; although that cannot be helped and isn’t my fault due to how my disability affects me, this is something I would have done if I had been able. I tried hard but realised during my open university degree that it was just never going to be possible. I managed to get something out of my open university study which is better than nothing. I also regret being addicted to painkillers for many decades. I quit them a few years ago. I take them when I need them nowadays but not the ones I was hooked on. I even avoid taking pain relief unless I have no choice due to a migraine or injury related pain. I can barely remember any of the period I was taking painkillers on a daily basis. It’s all blurred into one. I had support provided for my disability at that point from the council. They had no idea because I never let on that I was addicted. I never realised I was addicted until about two or three years ago. I ended up feeling like I was just walking about in a haze waiting until I could take another dose. I have even come off my antidepressants this year because I am anti medication after getting hooked previously. I feel like my life was stolen from me because of my inability to remember stuff from the time I was hooked on painkillers. That is why I would love to make things right with A to know what happened because I don’t have much memory of anything around that time. I can’t make sense of things in my head because there’s so many blanks. I get scared that I did something really bad that I simply have no recollection of at all. I’m sure that if I hadn’t been full of painkillers constantly we probably would have got on. I didn’t listen to anyone because nothing seemed real at that point.