I walked longer than I ever have previously today. I’m sure that my knee is going to get me back for it tomorrow but right now I’m resting. I went to bed early because it literally has made me extremely tired. If I get insomnia tonight then there is something really wrong. I just had to take a dead mouse off of Mister. It wasn’t dead before he kidnapped it from outside and started throwing it around. I couldn’t catch up with him in time to prevent him killing it. He hasn’t done that for a while so I hope he doesn’t decide he wants to go back to bringing mice in from outside.
I am too tired to really string a sentence together. I just want to say that I have tried to show others that I’m not a scary person. I can’t do anything else to make others comfortable. I can’t lose the autism or the aura around me because I’m naturally psychic. Those things are not my choice. I am trustworthy even if those around me in my past were not. Those people are no longer part of the scenario now or will have any part in my life in the future. I live my life alone so private conversations don’t get shared with others. I may mention things on the blog but that is always in context coinciding with my current feelings. That is all linked with talking about BPD and autism. I want to be trusted enough to be given a chance. There is only so much I can possibly do to try to convince others to do certain things. There are certain situations that are stuck in my life and it’s hard for me to not feel frustrated at how things remain. It’s ok telling me to try to understand other peoples feelings and how things affect them but I see no effort made by others to see how certain things being as they are continue to affect my life. I’m supposed to be the autistic one but neurotypicals seem to be just as bad at not seeing the other point of view. I know that others go through trauma that impact on whether they feel that they can trust others. I’ve been there. I still don’t particularly trust anyone. However, I can categorically promise that I am one of the people you can trust in this life. I can’t lie without crumbling and proceeding to come out with the truth. I can’t even be mean without the guilt eating me. I was a mess in the past but I’m not the same now. I got off the painkillers (used to be addicted to them), no longer need antidepressants after coming off them. I went through a stage of drinking a lot of alcohol but managed to regain control of that. This is really the first time in my life where I’ve felt in full control of my own mind. There is absolutely nothing to be scared of when it comes to me. I wish that I could reassure others of that but that isn’t easy to do. Sometimes others are damaged from their own past so it’s hard to change their minds. I have a pure spirit which not many humans can say they have. I have done bad things but when I was younger and much more stupid. I have put a lot of work in and spiritually evolved.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 