Sometimes I want to ‘go home’.

The last few days have consisted of death talk due to the queen dying. I sometimes long to be free to ‘go home’ too. I’m tired and it’s been such a struggle to function on a daily basis for the last decade but it feels worse recently. I was always physically fine but in more recent years I keep getting injured. I mentally have got to the point where I’m exhausted. That isn’t solved by sleeping. I’m also physically tired most of the time due to not sleeping at night. I don’t see a future for myself. I did however feel my physical energy returning slightly when I was walking earlier. I’ve felt like something is constantly dragging me down physically for a long time. Losing weight has helped that constant fatigue. I had to sort out my hormones before the weight would come off though. I still have a few more stone to lose so my hormones better not go unbalanced again. I may not act like I find things difficult on a day to day basis but that is definitely not the reality. I end up in tears regularly totally overwhelmed begging whatever exists to ‘take me home’. I got so emotionally tired that I literally no longer feel much. It’s better to be numb than get hurt further. I merely just exist rather than live now. I would be better off gone. The cats would probably miss me but not for long because they have short term memories. They would forget about me if I made sure someone else adopted them. I have never felt like I belonged here. This isn’t my home (life in general). I have never truly been in love or even felt like I meant anything to anyone else. I was never meant to exist. I only did so due to chance which resulted in me being born into a situation that I didn’t really fit. That resulted in a whole life where every where I went I just didn’t fit because I shouldn’t have ever been born. There was no place for me. One was created but it all felt so forced and like I was just slotted in. I am stuck here. I just want to be free from pain and emotional trauma. 24/7 I am battling the emotional trauma and physical pain on and off (mostly due to injuries and monthly issues). I just don’t want to do it any longer.

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