I didn’t go to the adoption order hearing because I was emotionally too cut up. I didn’t think that me being there would make a difference. I look like I didn’t care because I didn’t turn up. I had the social worker ring to check if I was going to turn up. I let him down at the last opportunity. I didn’t realise that the contact whether it was letterbox or whatever could be put on the order. I just thought that it was technically just a session where they make it official. I didn’t want to be there to watch the selling of my child. I hadn’t been able to see him for over a year due to contacts being reduced and ceased as part of their placement order. He wouldn’t have even remembered me by that point. I could have tried though because then I may have got letterbox contact. I applied to get restraining order off (not related to adoption but my autism and how I was affected by the trauma of sons adoption) before I ended up in prison (or shortly after, it was quite a while ago) but was too scared to go into the court to represent myself. I got given court costs to pay off and they threw it out because apparently they can’t do it by paperwork… the applicant has to turn up. I find it hard to do the actual being in front of a court. I’m fine with the admin side but that’s not enough. I’m too shy to speak in front of official people even though in some cases it may get me seen in a favourable light and not punished.