I’m not sure what I want is a good idea.

I may be too tired to really think properly but I was thinking about what I want or think I need. It isn’t going to help the situation. I cannot ever trust A enough to even let her come back in briefly to effectively clear up the past etc. I’m not sure she will even be open to it anyway. I just can’t trust her. If we meet up I will automatically assume I’m being set up and the police are going to arrest me or something. I don’t think regardless of what she says, I can possibly believe her after everything. I’m also petrified of her due to what happened. I don’t show it because I let no one intimidate me anymore. I don’t show them outwardly if I am intimidated anyway. It won’t change how the past is still affecting me by meeting up with her to discuss details about what happened. I’m probably still going to be kept up at night by the trauma it left behind. That’s not going to go away if we discuss things. It may even make it worse if I overthink any details from the discussion. I won’t finally get peace just by discussing it with her. Regardless of what she says now, I’m still going to have the whole comments like stalker etc still in my head which affect me. Those comments can’t be retracted by making it right in the present. If I get an apology I have no idea if she means it or just saying it. If she denies seeing me in certain ways now … I can’t believe her. She broke her trust at the beginning after we had just met. I seem to clearly remember the line saying she would never get the police involved in stuff. Then that is exactly what happened. I am sure there were many things going on completely hidden from the parties involved by the university etc. That is still no excuse. She was fully aware of what I had just been through. She just added a load of stuff on top that ended up breaking me for years. That wasn’t fair. I needed a friend but all she did was condemn me. That can never be even remotely repaired by meeting up to discuss things. I’m done. She hurt me too much and the betrayal was unforgivable. I also lost all my support for my disability due to everything that kicked off. I have had to struggle on my own ever since. The damage she did indirectly unintentionally is insurmountable. She was the equivalent of a hurricane sweeping through my life affecting every aspect of it.

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