I know what I want but I won’t get it. And, there is no way others can help.

I want to make things right between myself and A but I can’t because she will never like me. It isn’t even about liking me. It’s how she sees me. People keep asking me if they can do anything to help with me being kept awake by stuff and my trauma related to the situation. The cold hard truth is that none of you can because you weren’t in the situation. You simply can’t fix what has been done and the effects it’s had on me and A. I can guarantee that A doesn’t see me in a positive light after things she said in relation to me in the past. The things that she says about me which still haunts me and affects me to this day. If they haven’t changed their mind there will be no way forward that is positive. The fact that I’m actually scared of her since all that doesn’t help. I continue to have a longing for things to be ok between us. I’d be pushing it if I said we could be friends in the future. But it seems so wrong left as it is. There are so many things that were said and done in the moment that still haunts me. It probably doesn’t affect A so much because she’s not the same as me. I wish that she would come see me. I don’t want to do all the message stuff after what happened in the past. I will be wishing forever because she just won’t do it especially if she still sees me in the same light as in the past. I wouldn’t want her to come to my home at the same time. I would rather meet in public because there are witnesses around in case stuff goes wrong and she accuses me of stuff I haven’t done. I’m always going for walks and my routine is quite regular. I am easy to find.