Energy still wiped today.

I went back to sleep. I woke up extremely tired. I feel like something has zapped my energy. I literally have so much to do so that it looks decent for routine rental inspection tomorrow but I haven’t done it. I don’t know how this works but things from my past. Negative comments are causing me to be paralysed over the last few days. I just exist not doing a lot. I literally went for a walk to get away from my own head yesterday. Those comments are like static interference clawing at my thoughts. They’re trying to catch me 24/7. They wouldn’t have hurt me at all if the other person had meant nothing to me. I looked up to them. I saw their opinion mattering a lot to me. The realisation that I definitely won’t be having anymore children hit me today. Everything I went through just hit me too hard. I can’t reverse the damage enough to be in a relationship to have anymore children. There are plenty who look at me as a potential suitor but I literally never feel the same. It’s like I’m too picky. I only chose Jonny’s dad the first time around because it was a no strings attached arrangement. I still ended up childless in the end so maybe I was never meant to be a mother. Yes, I can literally sleep whenever I want and hide away from the world. I couldn’t do that with kids. I will be alone for the majority of my life though. Cats aren’t the same as human company and they won’t be around forever due to their lifespan. I wanted to avoid that reality but it happened anyway and seems like it is set to stay. That is why I said many times that sometimes what is meant to be is nothing like what we wanted. In most cases, unless you’re very rich and privileged, the reality path of our lives isn’t a choice. We merely hope for the things we want. We can aim for certain things by taking actions but ultimately fate has the final say on where we end up. The being denied the chance to be a mother thing will always be a deep hole inside me. Even if he comes to find me at some point I will probably be either really old or already passed away by then. So my reality in life is still on the default setting of alone.

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