I see the world for what it is… I’m not depressed.

There is absolutely no way I will be going back on antidepressants. I would rather cry several times a day than go back on them. I am not depressed. I just see the world and it’s people accurately now. The world is absolutely horrible full of people who do not give a shit about vulnerable people. I begged people for help in the past but all they did was label me. I’m an awful person in those peoples eyes. They chose to think of me like that so that none of them feel guilty for failing me. They should all feel horrendous for failing me. I am realistic not angry. I am not an angry person. I have only ever got angry when backed into a corner within a system that was there to give me more torment, not help. I don’t even feel hate anymore because nothing matters so there is no point hating. Remaining indifferent is a lot more hurtful to the feelings of others. I hurt when I realised the world doesn’t give a fuck and owes you absolutely nothing. Screw being sweet and nice because it doesn’t make you happy. It simply gets you walked all over and used. I would rather be mean and not care because at least then no one can hurt me ever again. I’m also going to be skinny again soon because my calorie allowance has been low enough for weeks and finally I don’t need a lot of food in a portion. It took months to train my stomach to not want so much but finally I did it. I had to do it when I injured my leg due to being unable to exercise. It should be better soon. It feels better but still stiff and slightly swollen. I think that it will be ok to try a short walk next week. Nothing really matters in this life. That becomes more apparent with age. Only when not being in mind altering (antidepressants) medication can people see the truth and how much our reality is fake and, in many respects, cruel. There’s no changing those things. I’m stuck in my reality and there will never be a way out. There is no hope for people like me. Learn to exist rather than live because it’s less disappointing.

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