Why did A betray me?

This keeps going around my head and I can’t stop my brain going there. I really don’t believe that A was just a mean person who did what they did on purpose. I feel things and that isn’t what I get. I think that there is much more to it. That has to come out so that I can clear my name in regard to the long term implications of that on my life and how others saw me due to the narrative both her and others said. I never deserved the negative labels due to my autism / BPD and I’m sure as hell going to prove it. I was never going to accept that label first given to me by horrendously cruel people within the system. The new me puts up with no bullshit. If people get the wrong idea about me I’m going to go to A to Z lengths to prove that I am not that narrative. It is partly her fault that I haven’t been able to progress in work experience etc. It gave me trauma on top of the trauma I already had which didn’t help the situation that happened at university. If A had listened to me in the first place at the time she wouldn’t have gone off on one coming up with scenarios in their head that just wasn’t true. Vulnerable adults don’t get listened to in the system. Even my own support (well, supposed support) didn’t listen to me. I wasn’t allowed to speak about it while still involved with support services. They refused to see trauma etc. I am technically silenced from sorting things out due to the indefinite restraining order that got made in the mess. I didn’t stalk anyone. I know she said that to people but the only thingI ever did was keep communicating when told to shut up. That is my autism. That is the whole reason why I continuously say I never deserved to be labelled a criminal way back. It isn’t fair. I communicate in writing and that is actually a thing known as selective mutism. That isn’t a choice and no one should be punished for it. I was ‘relentless’ (another word I heard banded around) because I was trying to open up for my own reasons. They had a law degree and could help clear my criminal label for good. I wasn’t good at communicating because of the trauma from my sons adoption had only just happened. She could have helped me. I know she was in a difficult position after the university kicked me out but she could have fixed it after she left a few years later. Friends of hers said I was stupid to write to the vice chancellor after I was suspended but that is the letter I got telling me those instructions. I was misinformed and couldn’t think straight at that time. I had people coming at me from all angles. I was constantly mislead and could never get people to hear me. I don’t want to have a narrative continue about me that I do not deserve. I can’t do much directly due to the order on me but indirectly without contacting A I can prove that she was wrong. I didn’t do what I was accused of… it wasn’t my intention and the law I got done under was one of those other person based perception laws. I wanted to plead not guilty but I was pressured by the system to say that I was guilty. If we all have to go back to court to put the record straight then I will do it despite the fact that it’s going to make me extremely anxious and I have trauma from my past surrounding that environment. I will take a stand in a case review and answer every single question directed at me. I don’t know how to get one but that is apparently what has to happen. I’m not the one with the law degree so I wouldn’t know how to start this sort of application. I don’t want to force the other side of the case to go to court because that makes me look abusive. I’m trying not to look in a negative light at all. If they are a decent person I would appreciate it if she puts everything right and sees me as the innocent person I really am. I don’t have a bad bone in my body. The only time I said bad stuff was when I was pushed into a corner and victimised by the system around me. I would never hurt her or anyone. I just wanted a friend for many years and because of my autism / BPD I probably can’t maintain friendships even if I can establish them. I lack experience due to being in adult care when I was younger. I was lost not how I was portrayed.

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