Another bad night.

The heat is beyond a joke at this point. I had insomnia and a messed up sleep pattern anyway. I don’t know if I need another tapering off antidepressants dose. I don’t have much of a brain zap at this point. I think I got my hemp sleep oil on my eyes. I put it on my face at night and keep being unable to see properly. It is harmless to get in eyes but will blur them until the water in them cleans it. I am fed up of existing in this way. I don’t want this life but my confidence is knocked to pieces to actually change it. I wish that I could hook up with someone from the past because they would have been a good contact if I hadn’t messed it up. I’m not the same person now so if we had met when I weren’t traumatised it would have gone ok. I can’t help being in a grumpy mood right now because being injured is stressing me out. I go for a walk to chill out. I can’t even do that anymore due to my leg being swollen. I have no sense of freedom at the moment. I did try to do a short walk but it made my leg go very stiff the day afterward. I can’t do it until the muscle has fully rested and no longer swollen. I’m too hot in my bed and had to get up for water twice. That then equals bathroom trips. I feel like I’m trapped in a cycle that my sleep pattern refuses to let me exit. That is why I wish they still prescribed sleeping tablets because one night of them would reset my sleeping pattern. That is how I used to do it before the whole thing about them being addictive came out and my GP didn’t want to prescribe them to patients long term any more. Even if I sleep during the day I’m not getting a proper amount of sleep so I am too exhausted to do anything. I like my home surroundings to be familiar but that is making me bored now. I want a new life away from here but it is something I just can’t do on my own. I just also can’t remember how to function well enough to actually move. It took a lot to do all that before I was traumatised. It’s hard to even cope in every day established routine post trauma. There are people doing TikTok stuff full time. They are good at content creating. I would love to do that with the blog but not in the right headspace to be producing several meaningful on trend (current issues) a day alongside the diary part of living life as an autistic woman with suspected BPD. I just don’t feel settled yet during the process of coming off antidepressants. That could take years if my brain keeps missing them so the tapering off process takes longer and is more complicated. I have just ditched them previously and that is a bad idea. I don’t know if I should wait until my trauma has completely gone or not before doing anything which includes the outside world. I don’t want to be stuck until that point either because trauma sometimes never totally goes away. Therapy doesn’t particularly work for me. I don’t think any therapy helps when your child is ripped away for adoption. You’re just never who you were ever again. There will forever be a part of you missing. I don’t even see myself as still alive. I am technically a living dead person. I died inside a long time ago. This existence is like a waiting room until my physical death. I have nothing to look forward to. Every day is the same. I am alone, on my own, single for the entirety of these remaining years. The cats are company but I mean human company and they won’t be around for life as their life span is limited. This isn’t me even being depressed. As a disabled person on my own this is my reality for the foreseeable future.

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