I can’t even ask for people to be reasonable.

I may as well put this blog entry on now because I’m getting absolutely no sleep with both cats having joined me. They must be hot too but they still want to take their normal sleeping spots on the bed next to me. The extra heat from them is making the humidity feel worse. Anyway, as much as I would like to make peace with the past and resolve things. I am legally not allowed due to the order which got made when everything happened. I was screaming out for help at the time due to being traumatised after my son’s adoption and other life stuff. They couldn’t see that. In their eyes it was all about them which wasn’t the case regardless of what crap trauma made me talk at that time. I was so traumatised that I literally barely remember anything I said back then. I was basically auto existing at that time. I wasn’t really present because my brain had gone into zone out mode. The reality of losing my son to adoption was too painful for the first 7 years. I had only just lost him when everything kicked off. People won’t be fair to me regardless whether they knew the truth. They won’t take off all that happened in the past just because I was traumatised. I didn’t know I was traumatised back then. I only realised it years later when the trauma started to disable my thinking less. I never knew that I was mentally suffering. Despite having huge memory issues, I couldn’t see anything was wrong. I am now aware that I have BPD tendencies and tell myself to chill out and walk away if irreversible mistakes might get made. Trauma turns into BPD once it starts to not be so latched into your thought process. I’m highly doubtful that I’m dealing with decent people otherwise they wouldn’t have taken those actions against me. But then I can’t be sure how I acted because the trauma I experienced made me not remember it. So it could have been justified but I can’t be sure.

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