I do feel like I have ‘failed’.

I sometimes get really upset and down about how my life is just stagnant and I have seen others in the same college / university (they graduated years after I had to leave) courses as myself move on to such better lives. Mine is just the same shit, different day repetitive crap that never ends. I hate it so much and I wish my life could be more successful rather than stuck. Most people didn’t like 2020 but I perked up for a while then because it was different from my general reality. I hurt over this being all I will ever have or be as a person. Others that I looked up to when I met them just see me as scum due to things that happened when I was traumatised but didn’t realise. That all hurts me so much. I just never have the chance to be what others around me have become due to disability. I can’t try that hard to do things because I just end up exhausted or injured if it’s physical stuff. I am in tears thinking this is all my reality is going to be. I partly sleep during the day because it stops the full pain of my reality hitting me. I hate my reality with a passion. It hurts even more when I see everyone else moving on and enjoying their lives in new exciting opportunities. I feel like there is no point to my existence. That I must have been deserving of the things I went through otherwise those things wouldn’t have happened. I am literally nothing in this world only sources of negative memories for a few people. Ok, my cat Mister may be purring happily while I am holding his paw but even they won’t be alive forever. They are already nearly 9 years old which is middle aged for cats. I want to be more than this, but I can’t be. The trauma I went through gives me no choice. I will always be too affected to get a job or relationship… I even drift in and out of friendships due to being distant when the memories in my head start being overwhelming. People in the outside world decided I was bad for my autism and BPD symptoms so now I truly believe it. I think of evil when I think of who I am as a person. The way I was treated has ingrained that into me.

%d bloggers like this: