I have had a few instances today when I really do feel autistic and out of touch socially. I hold my hands up to making a rather flippant comment on a video when someone was showing the camera around a homeless shelter. I honestly didn’t mean it the way it read to them. I said that it looked like it smelt. That was not meant to be rude whatsoever. I have the ability to see a photo and smell it at the same time. That is one of the abilities that my autism gives me. I didn’t have those abilities for years while I was on antidepressants. It was a comment I didn’t think about before making. She didn’t have to make a video response calling me out thinking I was just being a troll. That could cause hate directed at me that in context I did not deserve. If she had messaged me and told me my comment was offensive then I would have apologised. I don’t like upsetting people by accident. I was nearly in tears knowing that. I sympathise with all the people who were failed by the system and grew up in shitty circumstance. I have been there. I also know those those people in those kinds of places see me as an over privileged pretty girl. It was pure luck that I haven’t ended up in one of those places especially during 2018 when everything crumbled for me (benefits stopped, prison and many other things).
I had tears welling up in my eyes when a girl called me over in a car and told me I was beautiful her, her brother wants to know if I am single. I literally have gone out with bone toned blond hair and clothes that I wear too much that others wonder if I have anything else in my wardrobe. I had no idea what to say to this so basically said yes I am single but have decided I’m done with all that and more gay than straight. Then the girl pipes up that she is gay, I made a bit of small talk that I cannot remember because I get social anxiety and made the excuse that I had to go. This was just on a walk. I wasn’t out anywhere specific. Even if I wanted to not be single I have the inability to say yes and take a chance due to trauma. I don’t look my age and they both looked at least a decade younger than my actual age. I know that once people found out my age it would put some people off. Guys don’t like being the younger one in relationships (not all but more than those that do). There is a totally different life experience between those in 20s and mid 30s. As I approach 35 (3 months to go), I feel less connected to the younger generation and no longer have grown up with the things which are culturally familiar to those still in their twenties.
When I was down about my weight the other day I was told that my face structure and eyes were considered pretty and sought after features. I cannot see that but apparently it wasn’t just the edited photo that gave me that look after I posted a natural one. I seem to have the ultimate pretty privilege according to others now that my hair is bleached. It is all about pale skin etc. I am no threat to anyone though because I will always say no to opportunities so others have a chance alongside me. I have natural boobs and a reasonable bum which will slim down as I do but I want to be slimmer (according to bmi at my height I am at least a stone and a half over weight – should be between 7 and a half stone and 10 stone). I have a high body fat percentage which takes my scale weight up. We all drank stupidly and ate whatever we wanted for nearly 2 years due to pandemic etc. I was just under 11 stone before it started. I went up to about 14 stone after becoming alcohol fueled and lazy.
Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert Blog 