I have had a few instances today when I really do feel autistic and out of touch socially. I hold my hands up to making a rather flippant comment on a video when someone was showing the camera around a homeless shelter. I honestly didn’t mean it the way it read to them. I said that it looked like it smelt. That was not meant to be rude whatsoever. I have the ability to see a photo and smell it at the same time. That is one of the abilities that my autism gives me. I didn’t have those abilities for years while I was on antidepressants. It was a comment I didn’t think about before making. She didn’t have to make a video response calling me out thinking I was just being a troll. That could cause hate directed at me that in context I did not deserve. If she had messaged me and told me my comment was offensive then I would have apologised. I don’t like upsetting people by accident. I was nearly in tears knowing that. I sympathise with all the people who were failed by the system and grew up in shitty circumstance. I have been there. I also know those those people in those kinds of places see me as an over privileged pretty girl. It was pure luck that I haven’t ended up in one of those places especially during 2018 when everything crumbled for me (benefits stopped, prison and many other things).
I had tears welling up in my eyes when a girl called me over in a car and told me I was beautiful her, her brother wants to know if I am single. I literally have gone out with bone toned blond hair and clothes that I wear too much that others wonder if I have anything else in my wardrobe. I had no idea what to say to this so basically said yes I am single but have decided I’m done with all that and more gay than straight. Then the girl pipes up that she is gay, I made a bit of small talk that I cannot remember because I get social anxiety and made the excuse that I had to go. This was just on a walk. I wasn’t out anywhere specific. Even if I wanted to not be single I have the inability to say yes and take a chance due to trauma. I don’t look my age and they both looked at least a decade younger than my actual age. I know that once people found out my age it would put some people off. Guys don’t like being the younger one in relationships (not all but more than those that do). There is a totally different life experience between those in 20s and mid 30s. As I approach 35 (3 months to go), I feel less connected to the younger generation and no longer have grown up with the things which are culturally familiar to those still in their twenties.
When I was down about my weight the other day I was told that my face structure and eyes were considered pretty and sought after features. I cannot see that but apparently it wasn’t just the edited photo that gave me that look after I posted a natural one. I seem to have the ultimate pretty privilege according to others now that my hair is bleached. It is all about pale skin etc. I am no threat to anyone though because I will always say no to opportunities so others have a chance alongside me. I have natural boobs and a reasonable bum which will slim down as I do but I want to be slimmer (according to bmi at my height I am at least a stone and a half over weight – should be between 7 and a half stone and 10 stone). I have a high body fat percentage which takes my scale weight up. We all drank stupidly and ate whatever we wanted for nearly 2 years due to pandemic etc. I was just under 11 stone before it started. I went up to about 14 stone after becoming alcohol fueled and lazy.
This may not work in every case but it has worked in some cases. I got the idea about this entry after talking to my son’s dad after ten years earlier today. This was the plan that I knew worked at that time but he went ghost and my son was given to strangers to adopt him. I needed him to agree to a DNA test which would have opened the channels to him being adopted by his paternal side of the family. That isn’t what I wanted but it would have bided me time. He didn’t get on with some of his family members which is the magic ingredient with that branch of social services. There is a disproportionate amount of children placed with relatives they don’t get on with… this is because they are more likely to cooperate with the side trying to take child away from a birth parent. That would have given me more time to be in court and due to him not being placed on an order (they don’t need a care/placement order to place with family and birth parents have slightly more rights). I knew exactly what I was trying to do but no one listened to me. The system in general works on cruel values very old fashioned based on religious teachings. Religion was a huge part of peoples lives when our social service system was formed. We have to rip the current system to pieces from the inside and once it’s broken they will have to create another more humane one from scratch. I would fully advice that the birth parents of that baby recently killed by the foster cared mentioned in a previous blog to sue all that were involved in the babies removal from birth family and subsequent placement with … let’s plainly say it how it is here… a murderer (well a potential murderer at that point. Keep digging until you find a place that will take your case on. You have to be looking for answers or resources 24/7 until you need to sleep. If I won the super rollover on the uk lottery tonight I would be using a lot of that money to change the system. I would take enough aside to buy a house and use the rest to make system reform a reality. If you shove winnings in an interest account you will be making money constantly on what is in there. The winnings would never be spent and the money can be used to cease the crap that is currently going on. Money talks in this society and none of us without a huge amount are going to bring down the crap that is being allowed in the system.
I have had a really restless night. I feel battered from laying on the exercise a lot the past few days. The muscles in my legs feel swollen etc. I technically haven’t rested because my attempt to go to sleep wasn’t successful. I took a painkiller for my migraine but it is still there. It was an anti-inflammatory painkiller, so it’s eased my finger swelling and aching legs. That is good because it wasn’t even touching the inflammation in my finger the last couple of days. I have managed to ease off my finger swelling by putting a bandage around the affected area to hold it all together so whatever is injured can’t move out of place. That should help encourage it to heal. The bad finger is now woven onto the other one by the bandage so it cannot move into dodgy positions which brings more swelling. It seems to have gone down when I checked it after a few hours. The constant feeling of pulling and parts of my finger nerves feeling trapped has finally gone away. The pulling sensation was worse than the pain from it.
I finally got so fed up if this malfunctioning mattress that I went online to find another one. I cannot sleep on this one much longer. I found a perfect memory foam one in the sale which will be easy to send back if there are issues. I may have to sleep on this one while waiting for 28 days (up to give or take for new one to be delivered). 60 days trial. If I don’t like it I can send it back. 15 years warranty so if it does go faulty in the first few years I can send it back and get a replacement. I don’t think the one I have now is helping my aches. I am just never comfortable which makes my sleep issues even worse. When this one hasn’t been turned over it feels like I am laying on springs with just a thin layer of fabric over them. Once it starts to sag more then turning it isn’t going to make a difference. Some of the edges have collapsed. I nearly rolled out if it before I turned it over last time due to the edge sinking. The place I got this one from has said that they will only give me a discount off if another mattress from them. It came with the bed. I don’t want another one from them because we may end up in exactly the same position again. I just want to be comfortable rather than constantly be messing around with products that don’t have long enough guarantees. I find functioning on a daily basis difficult enough without worrying that I can’t get a refund or replacement for faulty goods. I am too tired for all that nowadays. I do not sleep properly in general and the mattress issues are just adding to that inability to sleep. I only drop off for a few hours per day. It’s annoying and never have the energy to get things done.