I am just stuck right now.

I was awake the entire night again. I can’t reset my sleep pattern at the moment. I hate day time which doesn’t help. I am tired and while my sleep pattern is knocked out my brain doesn’t function properly. I put my wireless headphones on charge but forgot to actually flick the switch on. That is the stupid mistakes my brain keeps making. I said don’t contact me in a roundabout way in my last entry. Then had more things I needed to respond to than before saying that. I have over 50,000 unread emails (mostly spam but I don’t delete them because I am disorganised). I do check through them on a daily basis to see if there is anything important or that isn’t spam. I am not going back on antidepressants even if it feels like I am clinging onto a difficult to function balance. It will get better as my brain gets used to doing without them. I just have to rest until it gets to the point where I don’t need medication to function. If I have to go back on medication I will be letting those that traumatised me win. I won’t let that happen. I will let my brain get as ill as possible because once it breaks it will come back ok. Some people have to have a complete break down before they can reset how their brain functions. I don’t want to get to that point but if it made me forget everything that broke me and caused a reset then it could be a blessing. If I didn’t remember anything that happened to me then I wouldn’t have to live with how it affects me mentally, not being held back by trauma etc.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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