I am just stuck right now.

I was awake the entire night again. I can’t reset my sleep pattern at the moment. I hate day time which doesn’t help. I am tired and while my sleep pattern is knocked out my brain doesn’t function properly. I put my wireless headphones on charge but forgot to actually flick the switch on. That is the stupid mistakes my brain keeps making. I said don’t contact me in a round about way in my last entry. Then had more things I needed to respond to than before saying that. I have over 50,000 unread emails (mostly spam but I don’t delete them because I am disorganised). I do check through them on a daily basis to see if there is anything important or that isn’t spam. I am not going back on antidepressants even if it feels like I am clinging onto a difficult to function balance. It will get better as my brain gets used to doing without them. I just have to rest until it gets to the point where I don’t need medication to function. If I have to go back on medication I will be letting those that traumatised me win. I won’t let that happen. I will let my brain get as ill as possible because once it breaks it will come back ok. Some people have to have a complete break down before they can reset how their brain functions. I don’t want to get to that point but if it made me forget everything that broke me and caused a reset then it could be a blessing. If I didn’t remember anything that happened to me then I wouldn’t have to live with how it affects me mentally, not being held back by trauma etc.

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