Some things aren’t that straight forward for vulnerable adults … let me explain.

There’s the logical attitude that if someone loses a child to adoption then it’s simple… all they have to do is try again. That may seem simple when it comes to being a non-disabled person but involves much more challenges / issues. I am also not the same person after all the trauma of my son’s adoption. I merely just exist now. Sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed. I don’t make plans because I see no future for myself. I don’t think it is safe for me to go out into society much as someone who is classed as a vulnerable adult. The accusations that can be thrown at us just for trying to function as ourselves. I won’t get the chance again because the outside world isn’t designed to accommodate for adults with disabilities such as autism and mental health issues. The understanding isn’t there. It seems to be worse now then when I had my son a decade ago. Since then, the laws being passed in the United Kingdom are making it more unsafe for people with conditions like myself. I simply don’t feel safe to trust others enough to have any kind of life.

I just plain don’t like it. BPD is a result of the behaviour of others.

I am going to say exactly what I probably have never been so direct about. This is because it’s the right time. BPD is basically a condition that was given to me by how I was treated for my autism. I ended up sensitive to rejection because I was always the one left out. I didn’t like being left out but after I developed BPD it literally caused me distress and affected how I functioned. The fact that I grew up in a small area made it worse. People don’t even have to do anything to get rejected… sometimes it is down to people gossiping about twisted versions of facts from a persons life. I haven’t heard wild gossip about me but no one ever tells you to your face if they know it to be an outright lie. I see everyone else adding each other to social media but not me. It is like I am never good enough to know and that really hurts. I am hates for how my autism has affected me. That is half fair but I do feel also it has a lot to do with outside influences. I don’t personally know those outside influences talking about me like they do know me. That is why I am trying to get off that 117 section aftercare (alongside the fact that they haven’t provided me with disability services for nearly 5 or 6 years). I will finally be equal in the eyes of the law since any record I had is now spent. That is what I want and need. The fact that my disability and undiagnosed BPD made me act like a weirdo at points of my life shouldn’t mean I have to be subjected to the way I was treated by others for years. Those in certain jobs can’t be seen to be interacting with undesirables. In technicality sense I am no longer a criminal because my record is spent. I feel like I have to be out here in the blog in public trying to prove to those that never gave me a chance that I am worth the chance that they never gave me. Trying to prove that I am not the labels and that society was wrong about me due to just not understanding me. I will probably end up humiliated but I feel very strongly about proving I am not below others etc.

Anyone else feel this?

I can’t be the only one to feel this shift in energy when I woke up this morning. The whole of time seems different. I cannot explain it but it feels so off. I am not fully awake yet. I had a really bad night. I literally only fell asleep for one hour then couldn’t sleep until early morning. I don’t feel like I even want to be awake today. I am quite sure this isn’t me just being tired. Time just doesn’t feel like it did previously. I am completely sober and not taken any medication since the middle of the night (I was in pain after going for a walk yesterday). I am completely of sound mind even if this all sounds completely insane. I have seen other intuitive people say things seem off recently but I never noticed it until this morning. I could pick up that things weren’t how they used to be for a while. However, this is completely different. The whole fabric of time seems changed. It is a feeling that I haven’t experienced before. I wish that I was able to explain it but it’s impossible to put into actual words.