I went the gym tonight because my weight has sprung back up and if I don’t make an effort to take it down I will feel like I willingly let it slip. I need to go back into this at a slow pace because my leg is being temperamental still. I also jarred my finger moving the old mattress to my space room (cats room now). I did a lot less on the weight machines tonight and took down the resistance on the cardio machines. Depending on how I feel tomorrow is whether I start going the gym properly again. I need to work back up to what I was doing before injury otherwise I will get injured again. Also, the lack of exercise (apart from a few long walks) is making my hair dry again. That is what happens when I don’t move enough. It isn’t just a little dry which can be fixed with a few hair masks for either protein or conditioning. I know that I should look at the bigger picture. I was 84 kg when I started the gym last September exactly s year ago. I am now 78 kg (77 ish when I am not near monthly). It is at least a 7 kg loss from tomorrow. I feel like I could have done better if I had stopped drinking alcohol every single night at the beginning of my weight loss journey. I only drink at weekends now and limit myself to two little bottles on a normal occasion one single night. I overdid it last week and the scale really has confronted me about that. I don’t know if it is that or monthly approaching but it’s making me feel bad every time I stand on it now. I nearly shot up to 79kg after my dinner tonight. I think I needed the toilet though which I have done so I should be lighter later. I would also cut down on things like wkd blue etc because I found out recently that it contains estrogen. That isn’t good if you’re a woman with that hormone floating about already due to monthly approaching etc. That explains why I used to spot before I came on for 3 days before my monthly when I was drinking these things on a daily basis. That is what happens when your hormones get disrupted. I do have other bad things that I drink on a daily basis but I limited those things and have water / tea in between. There has to be a reason why the creator of Pepsi doesn’t let his own family drink it. There are probably hormones in many foods that we eat if we really had a dig around.
I keep getting 90’s music artists popping up on my TikTok for you page. Then I started remembering how long ago these songs were actually released. We are all getting so old. A few years ago we all looked like ourselves back when the music was released etc. Most of the artists I listened to as a teenager or younger back in the 90’s were about a decade older than myself. They would be mid 40’s by now. There are those that have gained a few stone (bit like myself) who look completely different. They’re starting to look older in their face. It’s already been 25 years since princess Diana passed away in that car crash. 21 years ago since Aaliyah the singer passed away in that plane crash. That kind of means I left school officially (not including college etc) at least 19 years ago. That is like two decades ago. It has gone too fast. I haven’t even been enjoying myself for most of that time. I just can’t believe how fast it has actually gone. The cats are already 9 years old. That is middle aged in cat years. Wherever my son is after his adoption, he was 10 last April. I am 35 this year. I had him just before my 25th birthday. I can at least say that at this point of my life I’m more at peace than I’ve ever been the previous decades of my life. That is mainly due to the fact that I’m too exhausted to have the energy to get stressed about stuff.
I may be mentally struggling right now but going back on antidepressants is not the option I’m ever going to take. I don’t want antidepressants. If my hormones cause my mental illness issues then going back on them isn’t going to really make a difference. It’s my body. I don’t want medication in me. That is my choice. I may feel restless a lot but that will pass if I lower my expectations and accept my reality. I don’t have friends so I can’t go out like I used to do years ago. There are many adults nowadays that just don’t have friends. It’s one of those things. I can’t let it upset me. I maybe meant to be alone. I hate the reality of my life but I’m stuck in it. I have the cats for company. It’s better to be alone because people come with issues. They either create them or just merge their own into my life. I want peace from all that. I’m crying over my reality but I’m so much better off on my own.
I feel absolutely hideous. My weight has gone up from 78.0 – 78.3 kg at the end of the day to 78.6 kg at the end of the day. That is a huge spike from 77.5kg when I wake up. I feel too big. I need to take some drastic action to make my weight go down quicker and more consistently. I don’t know if this is just hormones kicking off due to being on the run up to my monthly. Or I have done too much exercise and my body is inflamed again. It may be hormones because my hair looks so dull and dry right now. I have to weigh every day. I need to keep track of it to push it down by either diet or exercise if it does a spike like today. I have slightly increased my overall percentage of calories due to alcohol consumption during the weekend so now after I have finally slept (tried to sleep earlier but I didn’t manage to stay asleep) I need to drop calories down again. I can’t go for a walk tomorrow due to knee swelling up again. That needs to go down before I can exercise again.
Those of you who regularly read the blog will know that a while back I contacted the council regarding the withdrawal of the section 117 aftercare clause seeing as I haven’t been provided with actual support since 2017 ish. I didn’t really expect a reply but I didn’t end up getting one anyway. So now I have to take it further, get MP involved and all that crap which is something I just don’t need. I shouldn’t have to fight for freedom from a clause that was slapped on me as a teen/during my 20s. This isn’t fair whatsoever. I wasn’t given time to grow up, make mistakes etc. I got labelled from school and punished for being young and naive. Others got to grow up out of the system and not have their lives ruined by all the shitty rules and regulations. I will never be able to be free enough to move on if they don’t take me off the clause. It’s not just what I want. The law requires the council to either provide support or have a meeting discharging me from the clause. If the council are getting funded to keep me on there then the fact that they aren’t spending it on my support then the money isn’t appropriately being used. On the last occasion that I saw my direct support fund they were getting over £15000 to provide me with support. Imagine the amount of profit they’ve made over the last 6 years from that money pot. I have had to struggle all that time with my disability. I don’t mind continuing to do so as long as that clause is taken off. I won’t be able to get rid of my past properly without it. I want more children but I’m too scared to have them while still on that clause. I’m nearly 35. The time for that is running out for me. I have no time to be stuck on it in limbo. I am getting no where because I am being blatantly ignored. I know that I wrote to the right department. This is where desperation behaviour materialises in people who have autism, mental illness etc. They try to go through official channels but get no where. Then the police do them for crimes when they are reaching out to others begging for people to listen. I’m fed up of this crap and I’m too tired because mentally this kind of life leaves you exhausted.