Sleep pattern out of whack so using my awake time productively.

I haven’t had the energy to do another bleaching session on my hair. I slept until really late yesterday and didn’t go for a walk so I had some energy stored. I have to bank energy nowadays because my natural setting is exhausted. I have just washed off the bleach. It is ok but still got dark bits and slight ginger on the ends from dark hair dye I previously had on a few years ago. I am trying to phase out the ginger which isn’t going to happen in a few sessions. It looks acceptably even (its better than it was in regard to ginger blending out) … the roots could be more even but needed more than two boxes due to how thick my hair is and now that it is longer the product doesn’t go as far. I missed coronation street due to popping supermarket earlier. I watched it on itv player while my hair was processing. It has to be on 90 minutes so afterward I watched something on netflix. I can get my roots white blond in 90 minutes because my natural hair lifts quite well. I also have silvery grey hair sprouting slightly at my roots so it blends in. I feel so old. Up until last year I had the odd few but then they turned into a few strands clustered together. I am only 35 but I am always as tired as an old person. I feel heavy as well as tired which is horrible.

I still have no idea how the edge of my toe eroded. The blood tests I had gave no answers. I am quite sure that someone’s toe bones doesn’t start eroding for no reason. I can’t be bothered with the hassle of continuously nagging the GP to try to find out why. It seems to be getting better as far as not swelling up so much. I have rested a little more recently to get it to heal. I still get fluid in that leg when it does kick off. That leg is slightly larger due to fluid never draining properly. I can’t stop exercise completely because I won’t lose weight. Excess weight will make those issues worse. I am tired in general. Life has mentally worn me down. I wouldn’t even mind if I had something bad wrong with me. I am too tired to live much anymore. Death would be a relief. I am intuitive. I have always known I will probably die young. I don’t see myself getting to even 50. I got touched on my back during the heatwave the other night. I am starting to get my gifts back since tapering off my antidepressants. I am still taking them but on the cut down schedule. If that side of me gets too much I am going to tell it to stop. I need space without being bombarded with information or have spirits touch me whenever they wish. I won’t even let the living get away with that crap. I understand that I may need to know stuff but not every single second of the day.

Author: Diary of a Painfully Shy Introvert

A blog written by a female diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome but suspected PDA in more recent years. Musings of a Trainee Battleaxe was created to not only create awareness of the PDA part of the spectrum; but also to educate the public hopefully creating understanding in order to stop future generations being let down and labelled negatively. Disclaimer: There may be parts of this blog which viewers may find upsetting as it contains accounts of real life events which have been quite traumatic. However, it is all to help create a sense of understanding and combat the fear surrounding all aspects of mental illness and Pathological Avoidance Syndrome (a very little understood part of the autistic spectrum).

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