I want to no longer hate A. I am always going to be pissed off about what happened. I can’t remember half the stuff that happened due to being traumatised. I think that I was in a mental haze for at least a decade after my son got adopted. I am still glad that I met A because it changed my outlook on life. That wasn’t an entirely good thing but at least it made me grounded and realistic. I can’t hate her anymore. But I don’t like her either. It is exhausting hating someone knowing nothing is going to improve between you and them. I would like the order off because I don’t remember any of the events which led up to it. It isn’t an excuse but how my brain coped at the time. I just existed but was never present.